One and Only
by PonderRose
Summary: Anastasia confesses her feelings to Christian, only to be rejected. Ten years later, they meet once again in grad school and the tables have turned. It takes Ana a while to realize that she was Christian's one and only. And he hers. Cameo from Lewbert and Spencer from iCarly (if you haven't seen the show, don't worry- not important. Just easter eggs)
1. First Day of School

I never knew how he did it. While I was the type of student who would have to read the same book two or three times to understand, he would get it with a simple skim. He never studied for tests or started assignments before the night they were due. And yet, against all odds he was one of the top students in the school- not class, school. Granted, he wasn't the best, but his GPA was still a hell of a lot higher than me. I used to think that meant smarter, but I know better now.

In addition to being part of the top ten percent academic-wise, he was also insanely attractive. Girls constantly flung themselves at him. For his part, he never showed an interest in a relationship with anyone, male or female. Despite this however, he received countless confessions of love and devotion each school year. I regret to say that unfortunately, I was one among them.

It was the same thing each time, apparently. A girl would ask him to meet behind the school's main building, where they would confess with their whole heart out for display. He would then politely but firmly reject them, or at least that's what I hear. That's not how he reacted to me. But then, I different than the others.

Now, I know what you're thinking- that's what everyone who confesses to him thinks, and you'd be right. But I was different in one very distinct way. Maybe that's why he turned me down the way he did. I did what the others told me they did, and I asked a guy I barely knew to meet me behind the school. Looking back, I can see many red flags and naïve illusions. I thought it would be like the movies or those romance novels. Shy crush asks the extremely hot and smart man to be her boyfriend, and he agrees even though in reality, he has no reason to. He had no reason to want me. But there was something about me which really must have irked him- I have no idea what.

The one thing that was different about me was the fact that he knew my name. He was notorious for never knowing anyone's names at school. In my youthful naivety, I thought this was a good sign; that my predictions were sure to be true. He rejected countless others, but he would say yes to me. I was the one he was going to choose; if movies and other media taught me anything, it's that you're always the one your crush picks in the end.

All my hopes, all my childish fantasies violently burst however, when he scowled at me. He looked… mad, for some reason. I didn't know what I did to make him so upset; he just glared at me with the upmost intensity. It was a bit scary to be honest. "No, Anastasia," he hissed, sounding as irate as he looked. My eyes widened when he said my name. Oh, by the way, my name's Anastasia.

It surprised me that he knew my name. I never told it to him, and we didn't have any mutual friends. I don't know how he learned it, but one thing was for sure- he knew it, and he wasn't afraid to say it either. While I stood there, staring at him in surprise, he continued his rant of a rejection. "I don't want to go out with you," he didn't hide the venom in his tone. There. That should have been the end of it. Short, sweet, and to the point. But in my stupid adolescence, I had to push what was already dead further. I was stupid. "W-why not?" So stupid.

"Because!" His beautiful head, with its light short hair and deep blue eyes, shot over to glare at me harsher. "I'm not attracted to you. Get it?" Oh boy, did I. In that moment, that single solitary moment, everything came crashing down all around me. I couldn't breathe, my lungs felt incapable of taking in air. Not attracted to me? He didn't find me attractive? My eyes wandered, though I couldn't actually see anything. Someone didn't think I was attractive, he didn't think I was cute. My hands began to quake. The man I love doesn't think I'm beautiful; he doesn't desire me…. It seems petty now but at the time, I felt like the world had permanently shifted under my feet. I never thought anyone I liked so much could disregard me like that. It was a very new and very real pain; a pain I would not let myself get used to.

In an instant, everything changed. After a few seconds, I blinked a couple of times and then looked up at him. I still felt some warmth in my heart for him but that was fading fast. I never looked at him or anyone else with the same warmth again. If this was love, then I wanted no part of it. The next little while was pure agony. I went through all the motions of a broken heart; sadness, anger, and finally apathy. By the time graduation rolled around, I felt nothing when I looked at him. Rumor had it that he went off to some fancy university in the UK. I didn't even cry when he left for university. That part of my life was over. I made a vow on that day that I would never go through that kind of pain again. It wasn't worth it in my eyes. I couldn't for the life of me understand why so many people wanted love if it was like this. No thank you- not my cup of tea. I knew graduating from high school that he was my first and last crush, my one and only confession. There would be no other, and there wasn't. He was the one, the only exception. And I kept that vow.

_Ten Years Later_

York was bustling when I arrived in the city. York is the main city in Yorkshire, which itself is part of the island of England. It's also home to one of the UK's top universities. I have no idea how I managed to get accepted. My family is middle class and my parents never went to private universities. But somehow, I got in. My parents were beyond ecstatic, helping to set me up with accommodations and visas and the like.

Ugh, it was a nightmare! Going to school in your own country is one thing but going abroad is a whole other story. First you need to apply, which takes months- not weeks, months. Then once you're accepted, you need to apply for housing and a visa, which means you have to go to the capital, so they can get your fingerprints and eye scans. The last and easiest part of the process is actually moving to your new city, which also means that you have to buy new everything once there. But who cares about all that? I'm going to UofY!

They have accommodations for undergrad and postgrad students. If you have ever lived on campus, you know that undergrad colleges are party hubs. But postgrad is different. Students are more serious, mainly because we have three years of insanely-intense work to do. And yes, I did consider that when I applied. Because this was my third time aboard for school, my parents didn't come with me to situate myself in York. I was completely and utterly alone, which had its perks.

Arriving at the airport with two huge suitcases and a full carry-on, I had to take a dreaded cab to my new college. When we rolled up to my new place downtown, the driver parked the cab in one of the many designated cab spots and helped me with my bags. I began to feel intimidated when I looked to see the giant steps leading up to a tall, new, five story college.

At my new place, there's roughly one and fifty hundred inhabitants; all masters and PhD students like me. While each of us gets our own bathroom- thank goodness- everything else is shared. Each floor gets its own kitchen with a huge communal kitchen in the basement. And when I say huge, I mean huge. I saw photos of it online before I came but there's nothing like the real thing. Picture twenty-eight steel fridges lining a back wall with seven three-toed islands in the middle of the room. Each island has three stoves, six microwaves, and six sinks. Above it all is one hundred fans, in rows of ten by ten. If you aren't shocked, then you aren't imagining it properly.

I loved it; upon first sight, I fell in love. Granted, it was a bit frightening, especially the thought of sharing that humongous kitchen with five hundred other people. But I had my own bedroom with a private bathroom, complete with shower, so I was alright. Besides, I always had a second, smaller kitchen on my floor if I wanted some peace and quiet. I realized while walking to reception that everything about this place was big. Even the front doors were oversized. The main desk was very long, with five clerks working behind it. I arrived, pulling my bags off to the side and smiling at one of the receptionists. She looked up to me with a wide grin.

"Checking in?" "Yes! I'm Anastasia Steele." "Steele, Steele…." She repeated to herself as she typed in her computer. "Ah yes! Here you are! Did you just into York?" I nodded. "This morning." "Well, welcome to Britian. I just need you fill in a couple of these forms, and I'll need your passport." We exchanged documents, and I filled them in while she verified who I was. "Excellent!" I handed her back the papers and she gave me my passport. "Alright, Miss Steele, you are on 5th seven, room 36," she pulled out one of the many identical keys behind her. "You are free to use any of the facilities, including the main kitchen downstairs. The code for your building is two-three-six-nine; just remember the upside-down L shape. Here's the bailiff's number and the number for the front desk," she handed me another, smaller paper.

"Cleaning day is once a week and there are coin-operated washers and dryers on the second floor in the east wing. Everything looks to be in order with your room; you can go up now if you want to. Do you have any questions?" She smiled, folding her fingers in front of her like she had done this talk a billion times before. "Uh, yes. What's the wifi network?" "UofY3109; your password is your student ID." "Thank you!" I grabbed my bags and headed to the elevators.

My room wasn't bad. It wasn't too big; my room back home was bigger, but I don't need a lot of space anyways. It had a single, coverless bed, one small window, and a desk overlooking a board on the wall. My bathroom consisted of a counter-less sink with two taps- I've always hated that- and a small shower. I had one dresser. There was no TV or lamps. I didn't mind living without a television so much, but I would need a lamp; I'd have to buy one later. I set my bags down inside and looked around. Huh, so it was true then. For living in a building with hundreds of other students, it was dead quiet. I know they had moved in already, since today was the last day would could arrive before the school was alerted. But man! They must be more like me than I thought- the quiet, bookwormish type.

On the back of my door was a list of rules. They were the usual: no smoking, no drugs, no overnight guests who weren't students, no candles or hotplates. I had to grin at the irony; we're smart enough to get into one of the best schools in the country and they still don't trust us with fire. Considering some of the losers at my undergrad college, that was a wise choice. The view from my room wasn't great; more buildings. But I didn't mind. I was downtown, a ten-minute walk from the Shambles and surrounded by other colleges. Overall, I didn't do too badly living-wise.

Unpacking took about an hour. I unpacked all my suitcases, which were full mainly of books and tea ware, cause who needs clothes? I put away everything and hung up pictures on the wall opposite my bed. Then I went shopping for bed sheets, a comforter, and most importantly, something to eat. The rest of my week was pretty uneventful.

School officially started the following Monday. Being a PhD candidate, I didn't have to attend lectures or the dean's opening announcement. I just had to check in with my department. Technically I had all day to do this, but I decided to get it done as early as possible. There were still a few museums I hadn't been to yet and was excited to visit. With a couple of pieces of toast with tea for breakfast, I grabbed my backpack and headed out of the front door. The college was busy now but still surprisingly quiet. Everyone was either in a private conversation, reading, or thinking to themselves. Consequently, no one paid any attention to me. Yep, I smiled as I left the building; I'm in the right place.

My department building was twenty-minute walk from my college, which was more than convenient. You see, as a grad student, you are treated better than an undergrad; meaning our colleges were literally on campus while they had to take transit. But that could also be because we are only there for a year and we pay more. Either way! I was there in a jiffy. For as quiet as my college was, my department was noisy. It was so loud inside! Everyone was running around, figuring out their schedules and finding out where to go. I somehow managed to maneuver my way over to the student services desk, where a receptionist who wasn't on the phone came over- eventually- to address me.

"Yes, dear?" "Um, I'm looking for the graduate office. I'm here to sign in." "Ah yes!" She went to the file cabinet behind her. "What's your name, precious?" I'm used to being called pet names; everyone does it because I look about seven years younger than I really am. "Anastasia Steele." "Here you are!" She pulled out a file. Inside there was a cue-card attached to a neck string. "That's you key to the sixth floor, the grad department. You get your very own office, love!" "Office?!" I blinked in astonishment. "You mean I get an office? My very own office?!" She laughed. "Where else do you expect your supervisor to find you? Speaking of which, your supervisor, Dr. Grinds, isn't in this week. He left some information with the floor's doorman." "Thank you," I nodded, still super excited. "You'll be sharing an office with a Mr. Agatha in room 104. Is that alright with you, dear?" "Sharing?" My excitement immediacy dampened. She laughed again. "Don't worry. He's a lovely gentleman from Wales. I'm sure you two will get along famously." "Oh, thank you," I sighed. "Do you have any questions?" "Yeah. When does the building close?" "Well, normally the front doors lock at six, but all PhD canditates and professors can access the front doors until midnight. They shut down the entire building after then." "Alright, thank you again," I smiled as I took my leave.

With key card in hand, I went to the elevator. It wouldn't even go until I pressed my key card against it. That made me feel happy inside for some reason. The sixth floor was the one below the professors' floor, which itself was below the dean's floor- I couldn't access either of those. Stepping off the elevator, I came into an open space with a desk at the front of it. There was a rather off-putting middle-aged man sitting there. His face was potted and had this huge wart on the one side. He was too busy cleaning his finger nails with a fork to notice my arrival. He must be the doorman, I thought trying not to frown. But who knows? He may actually be super nice. "Uh, excuse me?" I approached the desk with one hand gently out in front of me. "What do you want?!" He shouted back, giving me the evil eye. Or he may be a super jerk who hates me.

"Um, I'm a new PhD…." "Ugh! I hate the start of the semester! There's always one more of you newbies comin' here and interrupting my schedule!" I blinked, not really sure what to say to that. "Uh… um the receptionist said that my supervisor, Dr. Grinds, left some information for me with you." "Man! I gotta do everything!" He yelled before giving me the evil eye again; I think that was his default expression. "What's your name?" "A-Anastasia; Anastasia Steele." "Anastasia?" He chuckled sinisterly. "What's the matter? Parents thing you're the long lost Russian princess?" "Anastasia is a very common name in Eastern Europe," despite me coming from exactly the opposite direction. He eyed me up and down before leaning back in his chair, obviously in no hurry to get me my papers.

"You're not from Britain, are you?" He asked, continuing to scan me up and down. Trying to lighten the mood, or just do something, I forced a grin. "How can you tell?" "Your accent. I recognize it to be American." "Oh!" "I hate America!" "Oh." "Great! That's just what this school needs- another foreigner!" He tossed his hands up into the air. I was relieved when he spun around to sift through the papers on a table behind him. While he was doing that, I took the opportunity to look over his desk. It had a gold name board on it saying: Lewbert, The Doorman. Lewbert!? And he had the gull to make fun of my name? What a doofus! He's probably the worst doorman in the world. It didn't help either that he was talking to himself while he searched.

"Stupid foreigners! Coming into our perfectly good department to ruin it with their diverse ideas and notions of equality. What a joke!" Oh god, I rolled my eyes while he was still turned around. "You better not be studying anything continental!" Lewbert finally spun his chair back to me, holding out some papers. They were bounded with a paper clip, wearing a sticky note with my name on it. "Uh, no! No! I'm totally Anglican-based this year... sort of," my hands shot up in front of me defensively. "You're a disappointment to this institution," he spat, eyeing me again. "You haven't even read anything I've written!" I countered. "I don't have to; I can tell!" "Ugh," I actually groaned out loud, exasperated. "Is this everything?" I asked, holding the papers up. "It better be! You're the only thing keepin' me from a diet root beer right now, so beat it!" "But I…" "Get out!" Looks like that's everything to me! I ran through the door without looking back.

Unless I make a formal complaint, which I'm sure countless have been made before, it looked like I was stuck with Lewbert as my doorman. I'll never know how someone as nasty as him could keep a job, particularly at a university. Oh well, I sighed as I went down the short hallway to the common room; he's probably the worst thing here. I bet everyone else in the department is delightful compared to him. Reaching the end of the hallway, I came into a large room, complete with tables and chairs, couches, televisions, and a kitchen. Ah, this is nice! That was my first impression. It was immediately altered when I saw the wakes of people laying all around. They were in an exhausted daze. "Ugh…. He wants nine pages by Friday…" one guy lying flat on the floor moaned. "That's nothing. Mine wants an annotated bibliography by tomorrow," a girl on the couch uttered in response.

What the…?! I blinked, absolutely flabbergasted. What's going on here?! The semester hasn't even started yet; today's the first day of school. Why are they so tired already?! I suddenly began to worry about my own future- and sanity. "Oh man. What have I gotten myself into?" I whispered under my breath so no one could hear. Seeing no reason to delay any longer, I hurried on by to find my office. I wouldn't have to be in the common space that often; not once I found my very own… shared office. The was a roundabout hallway behind the common area where all the PhD student offices were. Some doors were open, but most were closed. I found 104, and it already had my name on the door! Well, mine and Agatha's. Growing excited again, I quickly opened the unlocked door. It was empty, which I wasn't sure was good or not. There were two desks, a couch on the other side of the room, and a bookshelf with two drawers. The only thing that was unusual was the amount of art statues and abstract posters everywhere; I guess my office-mate is an art enthusiast. But it was nice! I liked it, which was good seeing as I was going to spend a lot of time there this year.

While I was exploring around the room, an unfamiliar presence came to the doorway. His eyes went from surprised to ecstatic when he saw me. "Wait, don't tell me, let me guess!" I instantly spun around to see a brown-haired man standing at the door. He was tall, slender, and quite handsome in my books. He had this sort of youthful air about him; pleasant but not off-putting. I feared that I might start to blush if I stared at him for too long. "Miss Steele?" His forefinger pointed at me. "Mr. Agatha?" I answered his question with another question. He grinned sappily, dangling his lanky arms at his side. "Mr. Agatha is my father; call me Spencer." "Pleased to meet you. I'm Anastasia," I mirrored his smile. "Pleased to meet you!" He stuck out his hand to shake mine, only to be surprised when I grabbed it instead of shaking it. Our hands parted and we smiled at each other.

"So! I guess we're office-mates for the year." Spencer slapped his hands at his sides animatedly. "I guess so," I shrugged. He came in and put some books onto the shelf. "Is it ok if I have these two shelves?" "Sure, I'll just take the bottom two." "Thanks. Do you like my sculptures?" He pointed to a few. "You made those?" "Yep! All in masters," he exclaimed proudly. "I take it that your concentration is on art?" "Right again! I'm studying expressive aesthetics!" "Wow! That's amazing!" I gasped in astonishment. "I know, right!? It's fascinating stuff; I've been passed from professor to professor during undergrad because it's such a niche. But it was worth it!" He did a fist pump in the air. Then he looked back at me.

"And what about you? Tell me about you! How do you like UofY so far?" Spencer asked, not bothering to hide the enthusiasm in his voice. "I love it here! Granted, I don't think the doorman likes me." "Ah, don't worry; Lewbert doesn't like anyone. That's why he's so fun to mess with," he sent me a playful smirk. "Have you met your supervisor yet?" He then asked me. "No, he's out of town until next week." "That's lucky." "Why?" I asked in surprise. "You see all those people out there?" He stuck his thumb out at the open door. "Their supervisors emailed them before school started. They're already worked to the bone." "Really? A-and you?" I asked with mild terror. "Nah, I'm meeting with my supervisor tomorrow. We haven't talked at all yet." "I see."

"Come on," Spencer went over to the doorway. "I'll show you around the department. I want everyone to see my cute, new office-mate!" he said with a wild grin. I smiled, shaking my head slightly. "I don't know about that." "Don't worry, I do; let's go! Do you have all your books yet?" "Not yet. I still need a couple." "Alright then! Bookstore is officially added to the list," Spencer closed the door behind me, and we started down the hall together. Turning a bend, we were just about to reach the common space when all of a sudden…

"He said he needed them by yesterday!" Some man shouted as loudly as he could. "Shut up! I heard you the first time!" My eyes grew, my heart skipped a beat; several beats. That voice sounded painfully familiar. While I was alarmed, Spencer seemed agitated, even going so far as to roll his eyes. "Ugh, not this again. You were supposed to make the copies this week, Christian!"

Christian! No, I very hesitantly turned my head to see whom Spencer was addressing. No, it can't be! I felt every bone, every cell shutter when I saw him. I saw him! There he was! The one, the only…! The world around me seemed to go into slow motion as Christian looked at me with equal disbelief. Oh my god, he's looking at me. Christian Grey's looking at me! My mind began to haze a little as I felt my legs go queasy. It was high school all over again…. _Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be, close to __you__. _

Without consciousness, my feet took on a life of their own. I found myself reverting back into the hallway, pressing my back firmly up against the wall once I was out of sight. No, that's impossible! That was my first thought when my mind finally snapped to. I brought my hand up to my chest to feel my heart beating really fast. What was that?! I hadn't felt anything like that since the eleventh grade! It was….. it was like the world suddenly disappeared around me! It felt like stars were falling from the sky, or rather the sky was falling! What was wrong with me? I never lost control like that; I didn't know that was possible anymore!

No! No, no, no! Why does he of all people have to be at my school?! There are hundreds of universities in the world, and he just happened to choose the same one as me. How can that even happen?! I don't have social media and we haven't seen each other since high school. And now I'm an adult, acting like a total idiot! This is the same guy who said he's not attracted to me. Ugh, I winced at the memory. I hadn't thought of that or him in years. Why now, all of a sudden… How is this fair?! Or even possible? I established a long time ago that my life wasn't like a movie or novel. This kind of thing doesn't happen in real life, does it?

My train of horrified thoughts was broken when Spencer stuck his head around the corner. He looked worried. "Hey, Ana? Are you alright? What's wrong?" "N-nothing, i-It's nothing. It's just….." I stuttered like a lunatic. "How long are you going to hide from me?" That same, unwelcomed voice came from the common room. Spencer sent Christian a dramatic frown. "I'm not hiding from anyone, dude." "Not you. Her, Anastasia," Christian frowned back. My eyes widened; I felt my heart start to race again. He….. remembered my name. After all this time, I gently brought my head from out of the hallway to look at him; he remembered my name! Christian didn't look the least bit impressed with me, standing there with his arms crossed. "You… know each other?" Spencer asked surprised, glancing from him to me. "I…" I started but couldn't bring myself to finish my sentence. What could I say to that? The one, the only man whom I've ever romantically fancied turned me down harsher than anyone before? That didn't explain why he would bother to have remembered my name!

"We went to high school together," Christian answered for me. I looked at him dumbfounded again. Why does he remember so much?! I thought I would have been conveniently forgotten like all those other girls. He never knew any of their names! "Ah," Spencer nodded his head, bringing his hand up to his chin. "That makes sense!" He then proclaimed, grinning over at me. Though I thought I was dreaming, I could have sworn that Christian was actually glaring at Spencer, albeit discreetly. I chose to ignore it, smiling at the oblivious Spencer. "It's no big deal. You didn't miss anything!" "Course I did! I bet you were the prettiest girl at school!" "I wasn't that pretty," my hand waved in the air shyly. "Yes, you were," Christian said in a low voice. Spencer didn't hear it, but I most certainly did. W-wait…. I blinked, my mouth hanging open. Did he just… did he just say I was pretty? But….. but that's a lie! He wasn't attracted to me; he didn't find me attractive! He made that evidently clear! So why would he….?

While I blinked in utter confusion, Spencer laughed, coming over to ease me out of the hallway. "You're definitely a work of art in this department." "Really?" I asked, though didn't take my eyes off Christian. "I wouldn't lie to you this soon, that comes later," he teased, adding a wink to prove he was joking. I finally blinked up at him, still confused out of my mind. "Come on, let's go," he motioned to the other hallway across the room. "Get those copies done, Christian. We're not getting in trouble again for your laziness. I don't care how good the essays you write are." Spencer said to Christian in a warning tone as we walked by. Essays? I blinked back to him again. That's right! Christian was a super genius back in high school. How we ever wound up at the same university is a mystery to me. He's smart enough to be at Oxford or Cambridge. I didn't think we were on the same level.

"Where are you going?" Christian asked when he noticed me leaving with him. "None of your business," Spencer frowned at him, clearly annoyed. It was painful obvious that these two didn't fancy each other; though I'm pretty sure I had nothing to do with it. "I don't care where you're going. Why is she going with you?" Christian dug his hands into his pockets and took a step forward. "Me?!" I blinked, astounded for the third time today. "You just signed in, didn't you? Don't you have work to start?" Now Christian was looking directly at me; he wasn't smiling. "Uh, excuse me, Mr. Fun Crusher!" Spencer cut in before I had a chance to say anything. "That's none of your concern, Grey! Ana's an adult, a grown up person; she can handle her workload herself! You're not the class babysitter anymore!"

I see, my eyes lowered onto Spencer. He and Christian must have some beef; it must have occurred in the last ten years since graduation. Well that makes sense. But to my surprise, Christian was looking only at me now, completely ignoring Spencer's comments. And he still wasn't smiling! "I don't think you grasp how hard PhD is." "I….. I….. I…" I didn't know what to say! He could have been right, or he could have been trying to intimidate me; I didn't know which. Either way, the intrusion was unwelcomed.

"What kind of idiot are you, Grey?" Another man, this one with blonde hair, joined the conversation. He was leaning against the kitchen counter waiting for water to boil. He folded his arms as we all looked back to him. "We're not supposed to help each other. Grad school is a competition in case you didn't know." "I wasn't offering to help her," Christian shot him a glare, which he totally brushed off. "Yeah right. You've never cared about anyone else's work ethic before. Besides! You're king of procrastination; I bet everyone in this room is a better student than you are." Christian's face darkened as he smirked. "Let's compare our master's GPAs and find out," he hissed with more than a hint of competitiveness in his voice. I watched him in a sort of daze.

I used to have a crush on this guy? What was I thinking?! What did I see in him? My lips began to frown. He's a total slacker and jerk to boot. I used to wish my life was like a romance movie but now, I'm grateful it's not. I might have actually wound up with him! Jerks may get the girls in movies but they're to be avoided in real life. All attraction to him started to seep out of me again. Sure, he was smart and gorgeous, but that's not enough. There has to be somewhat of a likeable personality too, which he was totally lacking. Why he was so interested in me now was beyond my imagination. Why should I waste time with a creep like him when someone nice and helpful like Spencer wanted to be my friend? He was the better of the two! I made this clear when I suddenly took hold of Spencer's arm. Christian looked scandalized and Spencer flinched in delighted surprise. "A-Ana?" "You were going to give me a tour of campus, weren't you?" Then a radiant smile drew itself onto his pink lips. "Sure thing! Let's go explore!"

"Wait!" Christian called out to us. I was about to look back when the front door suddenly burst open. A fuming Lewbert stood there, heaving loudly. He was so noisy that he woke everyone in the room. "Ugh, Lewbert," everyone groaned. "Which one of you clowns had a fax sent to the main desk?!" He demanded, his voice echoing throughout the floor. I had to cover my ears while all the men merely frowned. "That's off limits! Get it through your thick skulls! No faxes to the main line- period!" "Dude, what's your problem?" The blonde-haired guy asked. "You!" He threw his diet root beer at us. "Oh, fantastic! Now I have to get another drink! No more faxes or I'll unplug the machine!" Lewbert shrieked in rage. "Uh, don't you use the faxer more than anyone?" Spencer asked, raising an eyebrow and pointing at him. Lewbert let out a holler before slamming the door behind him, making us all flinch. We could hear him swear all the way down to his desk.

While I was scared witless, they all waited until they were sure he was gone before bursting out into a laughing fit. Even Christian chuckled, which surprised me; I don't ever remember him laughing or even smiling much at school. Why did I like him again? One of life's great mysteries. "God, I love messin' with him!" Spencer blurted out. Oh my god! My head shot over to him startled. "You mean… that was you!?" "We play tricks on Lewbert all the time," the blonde-haired man waved his hand casually. "It's too easy. Besides, he's a horrible doorman; he's worse to us than we are to him." So basically, two wrongs make a right but not really kind of scenario; got it. That's when I caught you-know-who looking at me again.

"What?" I found the courage to ask. "Didn't you forget your art portfolio in the office?" Christian clearly asked Spencer, though he was still staring at me. "Huh? Oh, right!" Spencer made a dash towards the hallway, leaving Christian there with me. I turned back to him and frowned. Ok, that was too easy; he must have saw Spencer bring it in earlier to deliver to another department. He just wanted to get him away from us, for reasons unknown. I did feel a cold shiver run up my spine as he stepped towards me. "Look at you… You haven't changed at all," Christian said in a softer tone. "W-what the hell are you talking about? You don't know me!" His eyes widened, then immediately softened again. He took another step closer. "You didn't think I would remember you, did you?" "No, I didn't," I decided to be honest. Why not? He's always been honest with me…. that whole of ten minutes. It still counts though!

"I've had so many people confess to me, I don't remember any of them; any except yours," Christian smirked, which wasn't a smile but better than nothing. I frowned, however. "I don't understand why. There was nothing special about my confession," I said, ignoring the fact that he knew my name or that he said he wasn't attracted to me. "Why are we even talking about this? We're adults now; that was ten years ago. It doesn't matter now." "You don't think so?" His smirk began to fade. "No. Why should it?" "Because you told me you loved me."

My eyes widened, my mouth hung open in awe. I was both embarrassed and enraged at the same time. Why? What was the point in bringing up these painful memories? I wanted to forget him; I wanted to forget that he ever existed. It seemed that he did the exact opposite with my memory. While I did everything in my power to forget, he kept hold of me…. And I don't know why! I'm too old for these kinds of teenage games. I may have had strong affections for him in my youth, but those days were long gone. Right now, I just wanted to get away from him as soon as possible. Or at least, that's what I told myself; it felt pretty real at the moment.

But Christian looked different. He was looking at me with eyes that I'd never seen on a man before. They weren't lustful, I know what that would be like. No, they were….. they were… "Let me guess, you never told anyone you loved them since me?" My mouth dropped open in disbelief. How would he know that? How could he possibly know that?! Without realizing what I was doing, my head nodded slowly. "Thought so," he said, turning his feet to the side in a little overpowering stance. His hands shoved back into his pockets. "H-How….?" "Because I believed you when you told me, and I'd never seen an expression like yours when I rejected you." Oh! Well that's good to know, I frowned. Nice to know that my pain brought something new to your life. But Christian just kept staring at me with those complicated eyes.

"Swearing off love for ten years; is that what you did? Man, you're stupid." "Me?! Stupid?!" That did it. I officially cracked, over hundred and ten percent done with his nonsense. "I'm in the same university as you! I wouldn't be here if I less qualified than you! Yes, you're right; I didn't fall in love since high school, and you wanna know why? Because you broke my heart! You turned me off love so much that I didn't think it worth trying again," I stated firmly, staring at him in a bold stance as I spoke. He watched me with a surprised, almost awed face. When he didn't speak, I continued; I was on a roll. "But you're wrong about one thing- I have changed. I know now that I deserve a man who'll treat me right. Someone who would never call me "stupid" or insult me like you did. But I know I'll never find him, because I'm not looking. You were my first and last; my one and only, and trust me, that's not a bad thing," I ended with a grin.

Christian looked at me for a few more minutes, saying nothing until we hear Spencer coming from down the hall. "Ok, Ana! I've gathered my portfolio together!" Before he got to the room, Christian leaned over to me. "You say you don't want a man who calls you stupid- fine. But sad news, you are clueless. Didn't you ever wonder how I knew your name; only your name?" he slowly bent away from me, locking his eyes onto mine. "You really don't know, do you?" I blinked, utterly speechless. His dark eyes lowered sincerely. "No matter who I was with, you're the one I could never forget. You're name…. it's like a memory etched inside of me."

I simply stared…. stared at the man I once adored. There aren't words to describe how dumbfounded I was. This didn't make any sense; there was no reason he should feel that way about me. Me, of all people! I didn't get it, I didn't understand! What made me so special? I'm not Juliet or Bella Swan; I'm just a girl living a normal life. This wasn't a fairy tale, this was reality and real life usually doesn't have happy endings for lovers. I was obviously missing something, like how he knew my name in the first place. But that couldn't be that important! Could it?

I was still gawking at Christian when Spencer came up to my side. "Ready to go?" "Y-yeah," I let Spencer gently tug on my wrist, leading me down the hall towards the exit. Looking over my shoulder, I saw Christian standing there, still watching me. He looked….. determined. To do what though, I have no idea. Maybe that's why he called me clueless. Regardless! It doesn't matter! I meant what I said back there. I would never fall in love with someone like him ever again; that was a done deal. No matter what happened now, I would keep moving forward- I would, I would…. I was a PhD candidate now and had no time for that sort of thing anyways.

Lewbert wasn't at the front desk by the time we passed it. Spencer pressed the elevator button; to be honest, I felt much better once we were on it and heading down to the main floor. I pressed my hand over my eyes tiredly. This was going to be a long year. Maybe I can maneuver it so I never see him on campus. But I shouldn't feel like I have to run from him either. Ugh! Why does this have to be so complicated?! Spencer must have not noticed my internal distress; that, or I'm really good at hiding it. Most likely the former.

"Did Christian ever say anything about your name in secondary school?" Spencer asked me absent mindedly. He wasn't even looking at me, rather down at his portfolio. "N-no. Why?" I perked up. "Eh, just a thought; if he did, it may have explained a few things," he shrugged, finally turning up to see me. "What things?" "We've known each other for a couple of years now. I used to think Christian must have liked the name "Anastasia" cause he would number his pages "A-N-A-S" and so on." "R-Really?!" My eyes grew for the fifth time; that's right, I'm keeping count and it's not even noon. He nodded. "Drove his professors crazy. Got to the point that he was forced to do it only on his personal rough drafts. But he still does it to this day, or at least I think he does- he was kind of anal about it. We thought it was a tick cause he never said why. He just did it- without thinking, he just did it." Then Spencer grinned to himself, tilting his head upwards. "What a weirdo." My eyes gently rolled off into nowhere. "Yes, that is weird." Weird in a sort of wonderful way.


	2. Two Red Roses

"_Ana!" Alice burst through the classroom door; I knew her face was tear-stained causing her makeup running. I was with a few of our other friends when she ran into my arms, sobbing uncontrollably. "Alice! What's wrong?! Did something happen?" "Oh, A.! It was horrible! I….. I confessed to him and… and he didn't even know my name!" _

"_Whoa, hold on. Who are talking about?" I gently tugged her back to look her in the eye. "C-Christian!" She cried. My eyes grew but I wasn't as jealous as you might expect; this was a common occurrence, so I was used to it. "You confessed to Christian?" "Y-yes, just now, behind the school. I told him I loved and he….. he…" She wiped a tear off her cheek. "Was he rude to you?!" I asked concerned. "No! He was really polite and nice but…" A fresh batch of tears swelled around her eyes. "He had no clue who I was! He didn't know my name, Ana! Me!" Her hand lifted up to her chest. "Awe, Alice, I'm sorry," I rubbed her back supportively. Our friends weren't so comforting. _

"_What did you think was going to happen?" A guy named Rob asked, earning a sharp glare from me. "What?!" He returned my frown. "You know he's turns down every gal- and guy- who asks him out. Why'd you think you'd be any different?" Rob then directed at Alice. This only caused her to sniffle more. "B-but we're in the same bio class. I sit right behind Christian! I thought for sure he would have known who I was," she said in between sobs. "Well that was your first mistake," Rob leaned back in his chair and folded his arms, smirking. "Not helping!" I yelled irritated. "Trust me. I'm in his PE class; he doesn't even know the name of his team members. Don't take it personally, Alice. Christian doesn't do names," he waved his hand up nonchalantly. _

That was back in the tenth grade. I reminisced as I walked back to my college. That's right; practically all of my female friends confessed to Christian sometime in high school. I was in the middle of everyone- not the first and not the last. But I was the only one he addressed by name… I never told anyone that for obvious reasons. I didn't have a problem with jealously, but I didn't want to test the waters with the others. Even if he insulted me during his rejection, I think him knowing who I was would have overshadowed that. But it didn't to me… My eyes lowered thoughtfully. It didn't to me.

Spencer gave me a campus tour, which lasted for about an hour. Then he went to the art department in another building on the other side of the city with his portfolio. I spent the afternoon in the Museum of Childhood- and yes, that's a real museum. It showed the develop of the concept of "childhood" from the high middle ages to the present. While there, I concluded that Christian must have had some emotional connection to the word "Anastasia" and not me, the person "Anastasia". Maybe he really liked the Fox movie when he was young or something. So he's projecting the positive memories associated with the word onto me; this has nothing to do with me really. It made perfect sense! The A-N-A-S-T-A-S-I-A in his papers was more for the word and not my name. That would explain why he rejected me but knew my name! Well, not really but still! It made sense to me; it had to be right. Oh please god, let me be right; I had to be right! I just had to!

By the time I got back to my place, everyone was already returning from school. Same situation as before; super packed but super quiet. I was unconsciously scanning for you-know-who, hoping, praying that he wasn't in the same college as me. I hadn't seen him all last week, which was a good sign. But there's no harm on airing on the side of caution. After about an hour with no hint of Christian anywhere, I decided that it was safe. And since it was now safe, I felt ready to finally use the big kitchen for the first time! I grabbed some food and headed downstairs.

The master kitchen was the only place in the college that was noisy. It was bustling with about a hundred people cooking and cleaning. It was very intimidating all of a sudden. But luckily, I wasn't very hungry anyways, so I just made myself a sandwich. Then I took it up to the college gardens where I could eat in peace. I ate with my food in one hand and a book in the other. A thermos of tea sat beside me. It was a rather pleasant way to end the day. At least I didn't expect any interruptions; Spencer didn't live in the same college as me. And it looked like Christian didn't either. It was almost too good to be true. Almost.

I froze, nearly dropping my book when I heard that same, dreaded, familiar voice for a second time that day. It wasn't speaking to me though, it sounded far off. Very hesitantly, I tilted my head just enough to see the horrible Christian standing on the opposite side of the yard. He was with a group of guys, all laughing and shoving each other. They were the "party PhDs", if there were such a thing. Christian didn't seem to notice me at first, which was perfect! I saw an opportunity to make my escape before he realized that I was here. I was just about to put my book away and leave when all of a sudden…..

"You wanna tell me why you're avoiding me?" Spinning around, I found Christian standing there, with his arms folded like always. He wasn't smiling again either. "W-what?!" I blathered. How did he…..? What just happened?! "Why didn't you come back to the office today?" He pressed when I failed to answer. "What are you doing here?!" I found myself asking without my brain's permission- again. "This garden is for college residents only," I had the mind to quickly tack on; yeah, that'll get him! "What do you mean? I am a college resident; I live here," he retorted. "Y-you… You live here?" Wait, what? How is that possible?! Why here!? Of all the postgrad colleges, why does he have to live at this one? WHY?!

"B-but I haven't seen you all week!" I spat meekly. "I've been staying with my aunt in Edinburgh until the first day of school. I already checked in, so I didn't see a reason to stay until the semester started." I see, I thought as I inwardly groaned. Why me? Just why me? What did I ever do to deserve this? If my life was a movie, it wouldn't be a romance; it'd be a tragedy. Christian's eyes grew as I turned to leave, this time for sure. "Well, if you excuse me…" I took a step forward.

"Why do you keep trying to get away from me?" "I have nothing to say to you. We're in the same department for a year; that's it. We have no reason to speak to each other," I said with more brashness than expected. I even glanced back at Christian while I said it. He frowned and one of his friends called out to him. "Hey, Christian!" His chums came over to us. "Oh! You!" One of them said, grinning when he saw who Christian was talking to. "You're that girl Christian kept looking at earlier." "Dude! Not cool, bro!" Another friend gave his ribs a hard elbow. "S-sorry," he rubbed the back of his neck. Christian sighed utterly exasperated.

"These are my friends from undergrad and masters. They're in the classic literature department," Christian introduced us. "Pleased to meet you," they all smiled at me; there like four of them- all men. What… I blinked in utter confusion. What is happening? "So, is this the chick from secondary school you were telling us about?" "Yeah, that's her." "Wait, what?! He's told you about me?" I blinked to Christian for an explanation, growing more confused by the minute. It was their turn to look puzzled. "Uh, yeah? You were the only girl Christian has ever talked about in college. Wait! You mean to say you didn't know that he had like the biggest crush on you?" "You never told her in secondary school?" One asked the now fuming Christian, glaring at all his friends from the corner of his eyes. Instead of trying to offer any justification, he turned to scold them; or rather, yell their ears off. "Don't tell her that, you idiots! That was supposed to be just between us! I mean, how utterly brainless can you be?!"

"Oh," one hummed in a sinister tone, smirkly viciously. "So you didn't tell her, then? And she's learning all this ten years later, from us?" All of them, minus Christian, suddenly burst out in a laughing fit. "You're pathetic, Grey!" "Sucks to be you!" "What a way to find out!" I heard Christian growl, which was enough to make me step back slowly. "I'm gonna kill you!" Christian proceeded to catch and beat up his still laughing mates. They kept teasing as they ran from him. By the time they were done with their little romp, he'd turned back to see that I had made my escape. Sighing heavily, he rested his hand over one side of his head. I wasn't that far though, pressing my back up against the back wall beside the garden, clutching my book into my chest and breathing deeply. This was the first time since I saw Christian that I cried; I actually cried while standing there motionless. Crying…. Tears of frustration and perhaps a few- very few- tears of joy.

"_You mean to say you didn't know that he had like the biggest crush on you?"_ No, of course I didn't know! How could I have? I went straight up to my dorm room; I wanted to go to bed as soon as possible. Christian called me clueless and he may be right; if he liked me, I definitely didn't see it. And no one else did because that would have put a huge, red target on my back. I would have been public-enemy number one at school if they knew… knew that Christian actually fancied me!

Opening my door, I tossed my bag onto my bed. I got undressed, had the quickest shower ever, then laid down burying my head into the pillow. Axel liked me in high school? That still felt weird, because it was weird! He never looked at me; I never remember him looking at me, not even once! Why would he like me? There's nothing to like… well, ok, I wouldn't say that but still! I'm not a starry-eyed, twitter-patted teenage girl anymore. I'm a rationalist and the rational part of me is saying that this doesn't make any sense! It does not make sense! I didn't understand… My eyes began to gently shut themselves. I don't understand.

"_Hey, he's looking at you again, Ana!" "Mmmm?" I blinked up from my lunch to Liesel; she was sitting in between Alice and Hans, another one of our friends. "Who?" I asked with a hint of hope. Though I doubted it was Christian, I couldn't help but dream in my youthful innocence. She grinned at me. "Minato." "Minato?" Disappointment suddenly lifted my voice. She motioned with her fork to behind me and I looked over my shoulder to see Minato watching me. He flinched and turned down when he realized that we noticed. _

_Minato was a spiky, blonde-haired boy from math class. My friends teased me that he liked me, which made me uncomfortable. He wasn't bad-looking or anything; he was one of the hotter guys in class. It's just…. I was already in love with Christian at the time, or at least I thought I was. Again, I know better now. I told myself that if I just ignored him, he would get over me and move on. But this didn't seem to be the case. I glanced down at hands awkwardly. Alice took a bite of her fish before addressing the situation. _

"_What's wrong, A.? Minato not your type?" "It's not that…. It's just," my fingers twiddled, unsure how to respond. "Just what?" Hans swallowed a sip of his pop. "Is there someone else you like?" "I bet its Christian; everyone has a crush on him." "Well yes. That's why it feels wrong to lead him on when I like someone else," I was transparent about that. "Ah, Christian doesn't count. He'll never date you, or anyone for that matter, so why don't you give Minato a chance?" Gregory, another close friend, shook his head. "Because I don't like him like that. It wouldn't be right," I frowned at him. _

"_I bet Minato gets you a rose for Valentine's Day," Rob smirked at me, resting his chin on his palm. "He will not! Come on, you guys…." "Valentine's Day is just around the corner; everyone's going to buy flowers for their sweethearts. It's tradition." "Traditions are an idiot thing," Gregory countered. "You're just afraid that someone else is going to give Harmony a rose," Rob sent Gregory a sneaky grin. He stiffened like he had been insulted. "Bet half the girls at school are going to get Christian roses; his desk is always piled high with them every year." "Yeah, but he never gives them out himself." "He doesn't have to; everyone's already in love with him." "You guys," I sighed. _

_On the way to Latin, Alice walked with me down the hall. She stopped me before we reached the classroom, looking a little nervous about something. "Ana…..?" She said, not letting go of my sleeve and staring down at the ground. "Do….. do you think it would be weird if I bought Christian a rose this year?" "Y-you want to get him a rose for Valentine's Day? But didn't he reject you last year?" "He did," her eyes winced at the unpleasant memory. "But….. I was thinking that… maybe I'd try again, at the end of the school year…" She continued. "Alice…" My eyes were locked onto her and I felt… pity. _

_Choosing the route of a good best friend, I smiled. She flinched at the sensation of my hand taking hers. I gave it a comforting squeeze. "I think you should do whatever you want. If you want to give Christian a rose, then there's nothing wrong with that. Who cares if he's already rejected you? You still like him and that's all that matters." "Y-you really think it's ok then…..?" Hope started to flood her deep, ocean-blue, hopelessly romantic eyes as she gazed up at me. I nodded firmly. "Of course! And if anyone says otherwise, then they'll have to answer to me." She laughed softly, pulling me in for a hug. "Thanks, A. You always know just what to say." _

_I found myself a quiet, secluded room near the back of the school. No one ever came to this part of campus, meaning that it was perfect for recluses like me. One of my favorite things to do was to come back here, find an empty room, put on some soft classical music and write- just write. I loved writing, more than I loved reading. I would write romance, like most girls my age, I guess. Oh, but those were some glorious hours I would spend sitting cross-legged on the floor with my laptop out in front of me. I was laying on the middle of the floor with a gentle piano song playing in the background. My hair was all spread around me, and my arms were out at my sides. My shoes were off, and my school uniform was all wrinkled. I didn't care about anything in that moment; I just shut my eyes, listening to the melody. In my hand was a crinkled paper with some lines I had written. I don't remember what they said exactly. _

_Everything was perfect for about half an hour or so. Then, to my shock and horror, the door suddenly opened. Before I had time to see who it was, the door already slammed shut. Terrified, I quickly gathered up my stuff and put back on my shoes. Incidentally, I failed to notice that I dropped the slip of paper in my hand. I didn't see it as I rushed out of the room, straightening my uniform as I ran. I never saw who caught me in there that day, but they must have known who I was. _

_I know that because the next morning when I arrived at school, I found the same slip of paper resting inside my locker. Someone must have shoved it in. Finding it, I blinked in alarm, realizing that whoever saw me yesterday knew who I was, and which locker was mine. My anxiety only grew when I discovered that something was written on it. It read in bold, red letters: __**You're talented. I would keep writing if I were you.**__ I blushed, covering my mouth as it dropped open. Oh my god! Someone's read my writing! No one's ever read anything I wrote; unless it was for school, my work was strictly private! That would change in following years but at the time, I was mortified. I don't know why but instead of keeping those words of encouragement, I tore up the paper and tossed it into the bin, never to speak of it. _

_I was out of sorts that day. Alice, Gregory, and Liesel looked worried at lunch. "What's up with you, Ana?" "Huh?" I looked up, still half in a numb daze. "You've been really quiet today." "Yeah. You didn't even notice when Minato was practically staring at you for all of math class." "He was?! Ah sorry, guys. I'm just a little tired today, that's all," my hand rolled over my face. "You sure? Cause….." _

"_Hey, you guys!" Hans hurried over to our table, looking more mischievous than usual. "Did you hear the news!?" "What news?" Liesel asked him. "Word is that Christian actually bought a rose this year!" We gasped in astonishment and I couldn't help but notice Alice start to blush. "No! I don't believe it! He never gets roses for anyone," Gregory dismissed the claim. "It's true! You know Jenny, that red-haired girl from geography? Her dad owns a flower shop just near campus! She said that she saw him buy a rose this morning- just one." "Wow!" They gasped again; I didn't join in this time. All this talk of roses and Valentine's Day had me worried. And I wasn't the only one who looked nervous. _

"_Who do you think the lucky one will be?" "Oh, shut up, Hans. It's probably for his mom or something," Gregory elbowed him in the ribcage. "Heh, well at least that won't cause any problems. All you girls with crushes on him would see that as sappy, but if he gave it to another student…. Oh my god, can you imagine?" "I can't. They'd be eaten alive," Liesel rolled her eyes. "See? And besides, who would he possibly give it to anyways?" "Barbie? She is the hottest girl in school," Gregory shrugged. "Didn't he reject her last fall?" "Eh. We'll just have to wait and see, won't we Alice?" He added with an unkind smirk. I gave him a glare and Alice's eyes rolled down to her very sweaty hands. _

_The dreaded day finally arrived. It was on a Friday; a perfect time to disappear after breaking someone's heart. As anticipated, Christian's desk was overflowing with flowers, mainly red and blue roses. Apparently color mattered. "Now remember," Rob reminded us as we walked to class as a group the Thursday prior. "Pink is for new crushes, blue is for someone who's already broken your heart, and red is passionate love." I asked Alice which color she got for Christian. She blushed and said blue. I didn't say anything else. _

_We went straight to homeroom, where our primary desks were. Most desks had at least one flower on it; some had none. We reach Alice's desk first, which was in the center of the classroom. Her eyes grew in anticipation when she found three roses on it; two pink and one blue. Excitedly, she checked all the nametags. I watched as her beautiful smile began to wilt. Almost afraid to ask, I took in a deep breath. "W-who are they from?" "Henry, Fredrick, and Rider," her lip started to tremble. "I turned him down last year," she whispered, her head dropping down. "Oh, Alice, I'm so sorry." Shaking her head, she left the room in tears. Alice was the type who liked to be alone when this kind of thing happened, so I let her go for now. _

_Saddened by Alice's disappointment, I made my way over to my desk. I was surprised but not shocked to find a single rose on it. What did alarm me was the color- while I was expecting it to be pink, it was red! Why would it be red? I thought, coming over to pick it up. I was sure that Minato didn't know me last year; it should be pink. What's stranger, there was no nametag on it. I guess whoever gave it wanted to be anonymous. But I didn't need a nametag to know who was behind it. And I was suddenly filled with trepidation at the thought of rejecting Minato in the near future. _

_That came sooner than later. At around one o'clock, Minato met me by my locker. He looked just as awkward as I felt. "Um, listen Anastasia, uh….. can I… can we meet after school? Behind the main building? T-there's something I wanna tell you." No, was my first thought. But I didn't want to be rude; all he did was like me after all. And it was very thoughtful of him to give me a rose. "Uh, sure. I'll meet you there." "Really? Great!" He suddenly perked up, full of enthusiasm. I thought I was going to be sick. _

_I watched the clock anxiously, fearing each movement of the handles. No, I rubbed my hand over my face. Why? Why does it have to be like this? Is this how Christian feels practically every day? It's horrible! I feel like I'm an unwilling executioner going to slaughter an innocent lamb. Every muscle in my body tensed at the last bell. While everyone got up with their flowers, I put my rose in my locker and hesitantly dragged myself to the back of the school. Well, this is going to be agony. Pure, absolute agony. _

_To my dismay, Minato was already there waiting for me when I arrived. Ugh, I peered my head out from behind the corner to see him standing under the official "confession" oak tree. Oh god, why me? Why do I have to hurt him like this? Even if I did agree to go out with him, I would still be hurting him because it wouldn't be genuine. He deserves someone who is really excited to go out with him, to be his girlfriend. But that's just not me; I'm not the one. And it sucked to admit it. _

_Minato's eyes lit up as I emerged from the corner, looking rather pained and shy. How he didn't get the hint right then, I don't know. He seemed really happy that I actually came. "Anastasia! H-hi! I mean, hello," he tried to straighten up, making me wince inside. I wish he didn't try so hard. "You came, you actually came…." "Minato, listen. I…." "I'm sorry," he interrupted me. My head shot up confused and for a moment, I hoped that he may have been mistaken. Maybe he didn't like me and thought that I liked him. That would have been easier to deal with, but then I remembered the rose and all my hopes came crashing down. _

"_I'm sorry I didn't buy….." "T-thank you." "Huh? F-for what?" He flinched, clearly surprised. "For earlier today. I'm flattered! I really am but…." "Please don't get the wrong idea! I….. I didn't mean to make you feel…." "Well, I was just a bit confused by the color, since we just met in math class. But….. I… I'm ok with it. It's just….." "I know we just met, but that's no excuse. It's Valentine's Day. I know you were probably expecting one. I should have gotten you a…." "N-no! You did more than enough!" My hands raised up in front of me defensively. He blinked at me, unsure what to think. "Really? Cause I feel kind of lousy." "Don't! There's nothing to feel bad about! I… I don't mind, really." "I…. I am sorry, Anastasia. I should have at least bought you…. ah, never mind," his hand moved up and down, as if to wave away the tension between us. "If you're not offended, then I guess its ok," he then smiled at me. He smiled… "I'm not offended, Minato. Don't worry about that." This poor guy; he must be embarrassed for getting me a red rose instead of a pink one. Maybe red was all they had left. _

"_Listen, there's something I wanted to tell you." Oh no, my body instantly stiffened. Here it comes… "I…. Well, I've…. I've noticed you a lot in math class. I'm not sure if you know this but… I, uh… Well, I caught myself looking at you almost every day." My cheeks burned a dark red, but I didn't say anything, letting him continue. He didn't look like he was done yet. "D-did you notice?" He asked, rubbing the back of his neck and peering up at me with pleading eyes. Oh man, this hurt… this hurt a lot. "Uh….. well, to be honest, no… not really." He sighed heavily. "I guess that's no surprise." "W-why not?" I asked, afraid to hear the answer. "Because you're never looking when we are." "I'm sorry, "we"?" "You thought I was the only guy who looked at you?" "You're the only guy I've ever been told who looks at me… I mean, I didn't notice until a friend pointed it out." "Exactly." _

_Minato sighed again, running his fingers through his spiky hair. "Why is this so hard?" "What?" I asked, more afraid now. "To tell you…. Ugh! Ok!" His arms flew out at his sides. "I'm just gonna go ahead and do it. What the hell!" He shifted his stance to stare me straight in the eye. "Anastasia, I… I like you. I really like you; I've liked you since the first day of class." "M-Minato….." I stammered, a sinking sensation rising up through my stomach. "W-would you….. go out with me?" _

_We stood there, staring at each other for a long moment. It felt more like a pregnant pause. I knew he was waiting for my answer; I deliberated my words considerably before speaking. Eventually, my mouth opened, my lower lip trembling. "I'm sorry, Minato. You're a really nice guy but… but I'm in love with someone else." "Someone else?" His eyes grew like I had just ripped out his heart and stomped on it. That's what it felt like. "Y-yes. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. Please forgive me." _

_To my surprise, Minato didn't say anything right away; he just gazed down at the ground with a thoughtful expression. My heart felt like it was being ripped in half when I saw a single tear roll down his cheek. Without looking at me, Minato's lips slowly parted. "They're lucky." Then, with a heavy chest, his eyes met mine for the last time. "Well, thank you for your honesty. I just wanted you to know how I felt." "I know…. I know," my eyes lowered, on the verge of tearing up themselves. _

_Minato and I barely spoke after that day. Liesel said that she saw him watching me for some time, but I never noticed. I guess what he said about men looking at me is true- I'm clueless to it. He must have held onto his feelings for me, seeing as next Valentine's Day, there was another red, no-nametag rose on my desk. I was already turned off love by then, so I didn't feel as bothered this time. My friends weren't impressed, however. "How rude! Getting you another red rose after you already rejected him," Liesel frowned. "Maybe it's from someone else," Alice chimed in. "It's the same thing as last year- single red rose, no nametag; it has to be him. It should have been a blue rose this year," Liesel countered annoyed. "It's ok; he doesn't mean anything bad by it," I sighed, putting the rose in my backpack. "He might be hoping that you'll go out with him now that Christian's turned you down." I shot Liesel a look. "You know that won't happen." "Yeah, yeah; I know. But it looks like poor Minato doesn't." _

"_Speaking of Christian… Did they ever find out who he gave his rose to? He apparently bought another one this year," Alice ran her finger along her backpack's zipper "What color?" Liesel asked her. "I don't know; no one does." "Well, he probably didn't give it to anyone here; news like that would be all over the school by now if he did. Gregory's right, he likely gave it to his mom or grandma- the sap." "You think so?" Alice asked, seeming a little more hopeful. "Why would he give it to anyone here? He doesn't even know anyone's names." I paused for a second, frowning but electing not to say anything. Liesel noticed my change in demeanor immediately._

"_Does that bother you, A.? You said you were over him like a month ago." "I am. It doesn't bother me. Why should he know any of our names? He can be a jerk if he wants to." I said, still keeping my eyes on my backpack. "Oooooh, someone's still in her angry phase," Liesel sang. "Yes, I'm angry. He totally insulted me and never even apologized. I have every right to be mad." "You can always date Minato. Looks like he's still interested," she suggested, smirking. "I don't want to date anyone. I'm done with flowers, and Valentine's Day, and love." "For now," she continued to smirk at me. Alice's expression was a little more concerned. "Seriously though, are you alright, A.? I know what rejection feels like." "No," I sighed, grinning over at her. "But I will be. It'll just take some time, but it will get better. I know it will." _

My eyes slowly began to open. I found myself staring up at my ceiling, laying on top of my covers with my pajamas still on. A dream…? A memory, from my teenage years. My gaze lowered as I rolled onto my side to look out of the window. Those were the only two roses that I ever got, aside from the ones from my family on Valentine's Day. Not that I minded; I never really noticed since I swore off love. My world revolved around school now. Mind you, I did a lot of writing in school. I didn't think much of it at the time but maybe that note gave me the unconscious courage to write more and actually show others. I wonder who found? Maybe a teacher? Or…. But no! That's impossible! Wasn't it?

I don't get it, I contemplated as I got ready for school that day. How could I have not known that school's most popular and desired guy had a crush on me and only me? That seems too good to be true; this wasn't Fifty Shades of Grey or Twilight. Things like that just didn't happen in real life. Besides! Why would he fancy me when there were much more attractive people like Barbie available? Talk about unrealistic. I know it's every young person's wish to have a hot, smart individual be hopelessly devoted to you without having to do anything; to be so loved without trying. But screw that! I didn't believe in fairy-tales!

Even if Christian had a crush on me, it must have been shallow because he didn't even know me! We only talked that one time when he rejected me!... But then again, I had a major crush on him without really knowing him either, so I guess I can't judge him on that front. Coming out of my room with backpack in hand, I headed for the elevators. I took them down to the main level and then found the elevators to the basement. Pressing the button, I waited for the next one to arrive. I unconsciously nibbled at my nails while I stood there alone in the foyer.

Ah, it doesn't matter; none of it matters anymore. I'm an adult now, and so is he. We've both developed and matured emotionally, and would no longer be attracted by shallow traits alone. No, I know now that the most beautiful, attractive asset I have is my brain. I'm smart and a real man would like that first and foremost. But again, that doesn't matter cause I'll never be in a relationship. I had to keep reminding myself- this wasn't the movies, this was reality. And reality was never what we were taught to expect. Christian was a blimp in my youth, that's all. The elevator dinged, and the doors began to slide open. Nothing but a blimp….

The elevator officially opened, and I stepped inside. It was empty- thank goodness. See? I let out a sigh in relief. I told myself my life wasn't like a movie. It was a lot more boring than that. Just has the doors were closing, a hand caught it. "Wait!" None other than Christian appeared; he didn't hesitate to barge onto my elevator. "I'm getting in too!" What happened next was kind of a blur. I remember staring at him in disbelief, followed by a loud, ringing sound. It took me a second to realize that the shriek was actually coming from me. My mouth took on a life of its own and I let out a terrified scream when Christian climbed into the elevator with me. "Whoa! Hold on!" He looked very alarmed. Oh my god! I was wrong! My life is like a movie- it's a horror film!

Scared witless, I suddenly shut my mouth, watching him with gigantic eyes. Before he had a chance to do anything further, I found myself racing out of the elevator just before the doors closed. Running across the foyer, I rested my forearm on the wall, still breathing heavily. Lucky for me, no one was around to hear me scream like a madman. If Christian still had some regard for me when we started university, it was surely gone now. God! How crazy can I look? He'll think I'm scared of him or something. I don't want to talk to him, but I don't want him to hate me either; he's in the same damn department as me! No! I banged my fist repeatedly on the wall. No, no, no, no, no! I can't keep doing this! I can't keep running from him for the rest of the year! We're PhD candidates for god's sake! I have to function like a normal human being; I have to get it together! Just accept that he's a jerk and move on! I was able to do it ten years ago; doing it again should be a snap!

Sighing, I leaned in to rest my forehead against my arm on the wall. Ugh, could I be more obvious? I don't like him now, I feel nothing for him…. So why do I act like a total idiot whenever he's around? I never used to do that… did I? I can't remember…. Either way! I just have to learn to be comfortable around him and do my best to avoid being alone with him as much as possible. In a group, I seem better but when we're alone… Nope! Until I'm totally ok, I'm just going to live my normal life. I'm not gonna run from him but I'm going to get in a situation where were alone together. That should be easy enough… shouldn't it?


	3. His and Mine

I watched anxiously as my supervisor careful read my sample essay. Relief and joy filled me as a smile crept across his lips; his long, thin finger rested on his chin. My supervisor, Dr. Vice Grinds, was assigned to me when I was accepted. He was a tall, lanky man with short, greyish-brown hair. He didn't wear glasses or a suit; he didn't look at all like I thought he would, to be honest. But he was intelligent- I knew that from speaking with him for just five minutes. He knew his stuff inside and out; there would be no waffling with him. This meant that I had to learn what he wanted me to and fast.

After another minute, Dr. Grinds put my work face down on my new desk and nodded. He looked up at me with a genuine expression. "You're good; your work is very good." "T-thank you!" I blushed, scratching my cheek with my forefinger. "Your last supervisor gave you a glowing recommendation. I was delighted when the department sent me your research proposal." "Thank you, sir!" My cheeks burned brighter. So far, so good! We got on famously; can't ask for more than that in a PhD supervisor meeting. "Now then, about your first year. Do you have an area you'd like to focus on?" He leaned back in his chair, folding his arms. "Yes, literature." He chuckled. "You came from America to York to study continental works?" All the color immediately drained from my face, making him laugh harder.

"I'm teasing. We encourage all areas of research here. Speaking of research, you're TAing seminar is this afternoon, right?" I nodded. "Excellent! You'll enjoy it, I'm sure. As for us, we'll meet sometime next week, if that works for you." "Sure! Should I….. email you about the date?" "Yes, we'll keep in contact. Just send me a revamped proposal by Monday," he got up and I followed suit. "B-By Monday?!" My eyes grew in terror. "We'll work on a bibliography after that. See you next week, Anastasia. Have a good class!" "Uh, yes, thank you. See you next week," I waited until he was gone before going over to the couch, slinking down onto it. Sighing heavily, a familiar face popped in from the doorframe. Spencer gave me one of his signature grins.

"I couldn't help overhearing." "Hi Spencer," I greeted him a smile. "He likes you!" He rushed over to my side, bending his knees so to get at my eyelevel. "For now. That might change when he reads my new research proposal. I have five days write it," my eyes lowered softly. "Ah, don't worry. That's just your first draft proposal. You'll have lots of time to change it later; just like masters," his hand waved around. "Thanks. What about you? How did your meeting with your supervisor go?" "Oh, the usual: I present idea, prof says "no", I go back to the drawing board" the aspiring artist got up to wander over to his desk beside mine. "Happens a lot, huh?" "Yeah. They say my concepts are just too…. abstract," he sighed forlornly "How is that even possible?" "Eh. I wanted to write on the different ways to express romantic desires through various art medias." "That's…. weird and wonderful." "I know, right?! It's out of the box in a glorious way, and they still shot me down! But I'm not giving up! I'll find a way to do it, somehow…." His finger shot up high.

I looked at Spencer curiously. This was a side of him I'd never seen before. "You're a romantic?" "Oh yeah. I've always loved romantic poetry and stories when I was little. I believe that art is an extension of human emotion. Reading someone's work or looking at their art is like seeing a part of their soul." I didn't say anything, studying him a moment longer. Then, without realizing it, I began to smile- a genuine, impressed grin.

"You're lovely." "Huh?" My office-mate blinked in surprise. I simply continued to smile. "There's something very honest and sincere about you. It's quite lovely, in my opinion." "Thanks! And what about you?" "Me?" "Are you a fellow romantic?" I laughed. "No, I wouldn't say so. I swore off love a long time ago." "Really? Why? Did someone break your heart?" My eyes started to lower. "Yeah, back in high school." "The cad!" Spencer announced, making me giggle slightly. He was fun and funny; I'd give him that.

"I'm not a romantic person in real life, per say, but I write a lot of romance." "You do?!" His innocent eyes lit up again. "Read something to me!" "Oh no! I'm not that good! I just do it for fun; I've always been a writer." "Pleeeeeeeease?" Spencer begged, clasping his hands together. "Writing is a form of art. Maybe you'll give me inspiration; please!" After gazing at him, I finally relented with an exasperated sigh. "Fine, but just a few lines." "Ok! Go!" He leaned back in his chair. I pulled out my phone and opened up a document full of random stories. "This is a section from a short story I wrote before I moved here: **'Mr. Gorgeous stared upon me with those deep, endless eyes- I don't think I have been blessed with the words to describe how they looked in that moment. It might sound bizarre but the best description I can think of is music. His gaze was like hearing a soft melody; full of life and beauty. Each eye movement was its own note, and the song they were playing was my song. A song solely devoted to me.'**."

Spencer didn't react right away. He just stared at me while resting one hand on his chin in a pondering fashion. Eventually, his lips melted into a warm smile. "You're right; you have been in love before," he said, getting up to come over to my side. "That was a long time ago, but…. I still remember the feeling…. Even if I never experience it again, I know what it feels like," My hand lifted to my chest. Spencer looked down at me with the softest of gazes. "I think I love you," he said. I blinked up at him and we stared at each other before bursting out laughing. "Well, if I ever need any help on my project, I know who to contact." "I'll be here," then his head turned to check at the clock. "Whoa, is that the time already?! We've gotta teach class in ten minutes!"

This set both of us into overdrive. Spencer dumped everything into his open backpack while I grabbed my tablet. "Ready?" He asked, putting his bag over his shoulder. "Ready." We left the office together, rushing down the hall and out of the common room. Lewbert was in the middle of his online polo game when we burst through the door. Spencer pressed the elevator while he fired us a nasty glare. "No running in my lobby!" "We got class in ten minutes!" Spencer ventured to explain. "Not my problem; no running! And since your leaving, bring me up a diet root beer on your way back." "You want us to bring you a diet root beer?" "Mmmmm, you're right; I should change it up. Get me a diet lemonade instead, and it better be cold!" The elevator dinged, and we rolled our eyes as we got on.

"I don't know how he got that job," I stated. "I don't know how he keeps that job," Spencer added. "There must be so many complaints made about him. Why haven't they fired him yet?" "Rumor has it that one of the university bigwigs got in some major debt with the Manchester mafia. He's thought to be someone's nephew or something." "I don't think that's true." "Yeah, probably not. But it's the only explanation we got," his shoulders casually shrugged. And I grinned at him.

Spencer walked me to my classroom on the second floor. "Ancient theory, huh?" "Yeah. You find it boring?" "It's not logic," he shrugged and added with a side grin. "That's true," I mirrored his smirk. We paused just outside the closed door, turning to each other. "Have a good lecture." "You too." "Will you be in the office later today?" "I don't think so; I have to get home and start working on my proposal." "That makes sense. I'll see you tomorrow then." "See you tomorrow," I waved goodbye with my wide smile. He waved until he turned the corner and I opened the door. I was surprised but not overly shocked when I saw an unwelcome yet well-known presence already sitting inside.

Christian immediately perked up at the sight of me standing there like an idiot. To make matters worse, the only seat available in the ring of ten chairs was to his right. No! I inwardly winced, groaning theatrically in my mind. First my college and now my classes? Why does this keep happening to me?! Shyly and with my eyes down, I quickly went over to the chair beside him, setting down my bag and pulling out the reading without looking up. I could feel his eyes burning a hole through me from the moment I sat down, forcing me to do my absolute best to ignore it. It was about then that our professor entered the room. He'd be lecturing the first class and us PhD candidates would handle the rest. He greeted us with enthusiasm.

"Good morning gents! Welcome to first day of lecture." With no desk to put his bag onto, the professor- I didn't know his name yet- put it on the floor and he went over to the whiteboard. "Right! First things first; let's get everyone's names down. Let's go around the circle; just say your name and your concentration at your turn." I wasn't paying attention, so I don't know who began. I just trying to gather up the courage to gaze up from the floor; I didn't want to look at him, but I didn't want to keep my eyes down for much longer either. Taking in a deep breath, my head lifted slowly, hesitantly. The first thing I saw was Christian's eyes locked onto me. My own gaze grew, my mouth opened a little in surprise. It wasn't a creepy or possessive stare; it was more curious, inquisitive…. with an obvious trace of adoration. I'd never seen anyone look at me like that since Minato…. And it made me feel….. I felt….

"You? You who!" Meanwhile, everyone else in the room, from student to staff, were all looking at us. But we didn't notice; Christian looked at me, and I looked at him- only at him. "Hey, you!" We flinched and turned to see the professor, one Dr. Bhaer whose name was scribbled up on the board, was pointing at me with his felt marker. Christian looked less alarmed than me, but I was quick to regain my composure. "PhD students! It's your turn." "Oh! Um, I'm Anastasia Steele and my concentration is, uh…. literature; continental literature." If I had been in masters, some might have snickered at my choice, but no one did anything. While addressing the professor, my eyes absent-mindedly scrolled over to Christian's desk. I saw his private notes, which were rather neat. What was shocking was the predominant "A" at the bottom right corner. Christian must have known that I noticed because he duly turned his paper over before it was his turn to speak. I saw it, but I decided not to ask about it. I didn't have to, my eyes lowered softly. I saw it….

I couldn't leave the room fast enough when class was done. "Hey!" Of course Christian was right behind me. Ugh, this guy would just not stop! But there was no way I would let myself be alone with him. To my dismay, he followed me outside the department building. I had had just about enough when he tried talking to me again. He sounded as agitated as he looked. "Would you stop?! Why do you keep avoiding me?" "I'm not actively trying to avoid you," I answered, not glancing back. "And now you're lying to me too? Why don't you just stop and listen to me for once?" "Why are you following me?!" I finally grew tired of all this, my own tone sharpening with venom. "I'm not following you. We live in the same college, remember?" He answered with an equal amount of frustration. "Oh," I came to a screeching halt.

We had reached our college building by this point. Neither of us moved until I spun around to finally face him. Our eyes locked as we stared at each other once again, not saying anything for a long minute. My breathing deepened, and my chest began to quiver. "Is it true? What your friends said, about me being your only crush in high school?" Christian didn't say anything for a while. Eventually, he took in a deep breath and lowered his eyes. "Yes," his voice was a lot smoother now. I simply gawked at him as he continued, his eyes on the ground in front of me now. They were soft and soulful, as if to be remembering something pleasant. "Yes, it's true. You're the only girl I ever looked at." "But I… I never saw you look at me," I stammered. "I know, I made sure that you or no one else did," Christian took a step towards me, not taking his eyes off mine. My face betrayed my confusion… confusion and delight. What is happening? Could this be real? Could I have really been so blind?

'_**He took me lovingly in his arms, using one of his hands to brush the stray hairs from my forehead. With more intensity than I knew was humanly possible, he whispered into my ear: "You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever get to, and there's nothing, nothing that could make me let you go now.**__' "What are you writing?" Liesel asked, coming up behind me from seemingly out of nowhere. Terrified, I quickly saved and closed the page. "N-nothing!" It was computer class and we weren't technically supposed to write personal things on them. But this class was so boring, and our teacher didn't like me. I didn't see a problem with using the time to work on my stories. This was back before I was any good, or so I thought. _

_Liesel rested her hand on the back of my chair. "Yeah, right. Ok, well I came so we could next period together," she smirked. "What? Class is over already?" I checked the time on my monitor. She chuckled. "Yep! You were writing again." "Haha, very funny," I picked up my backpack and we headed for the computer lab exit. The bell rang before we got there and a rush of kids for next period came in. On our way, just as we were leaving through the door, I spotted Christian going inside. He didn't see me, busy talking with one of his friends. My cheeks began to blush as I watched him. So, Christian is in the computer class after mine? That's lousy timing. I wonder which computer is assigned to him? Each monitor had a number on it, meaning that we had to use that one all year long. We were out of the room before I could see where Christian sat down. With a sigh, I pressed my math textbook against my chest and walked with my eyes gazing at the floor. _

"_You know those are shared computers, right?" Liesel's question made me look up in confusion. "Huh?" "Anyone who uses that computer can read what you've written. Nothing's private on there; everything's saved on a shared drive." "I'm not worried about that." "You're not?!" She looked scandalized. "Who would read my work?" "Well, I guess so…" Her eyes scrolled downwards thoughtfully. "They wouldn't know who wrote it anyways. All documents are saved with numbers for titles. You didn't write your name on your work, did you?" _

_There was a pregnant pause and I peered up to her with a reluctant expression. Liesel's eyes widened. "Oh, Ana…" "I-I didn't think anything of it! I just wrote my name and date on the first page of all my stories, so I would know that there's mine! I totally forget which saved numbers they are; it's supposed to make it easy for me!" She sighed and rubbed her hand over her face. "Well, ok. I guess nothing bad can come of it, but just be careful! You're not supposed to use those computers for anything personal. If Mr. Simpson finds out…" "I'll be careful, I promise," I cut her off, sending her a reassuring smile to emphasize my determination. She did not look reassured. _

_To be honest, I completely forgot about it; by the time two weeks were over, it had slipped my mind entirely. It was the last day of class before cultural awareness week. Every year, the whole school has their own version of a cultural festival. But it's less plays and maid cafes, and more guest lectures and extracurricular mini-classes. Everyone was super-excited however, because it meant a week off normal classes, including computer studies. Even I was looking forward to not seeing Mr. Simpson for a while. But my luck would prove to run short very quickly. _

_The bell rang, and everyone headed to the classroom door. I was about to join them when a scary voice called to me. "Excuse me, a word Miss Steele." Oh no! My eyes winced afraid. Why does see want to see me? He probably caught me writing stories when I should have been working on programing, or whatever it is you do in computer class…. I don't know, I don't ever pay attention! Very reluctantly, I made myself turn back to see him. He was sitting at his desk and looking at me with a very strict face. Ugh, no! My feet practically dragged across the floor. This is going to be a nightmare. _

"_Y-yes, sir?" "I've noticed you've been using the school computer for other reasons outside of your assigned lessons. It says here that you spend more time on Word Document than the proper software." "I….. I…" My brain was screaming at me to say "I can explain", but I couldn't do it. He saw my writing! The first person to ever read any of my work is a teacher, and it's Mr. Simpson to boot! My legs began to tremble as I came to realize that an old man read my youthful romance…. Oh god…. Oh my god… You can't even imagine what that feels like, the humiliation more than anything. _

"_Listen, Miss Steele," Mr. Simpson rested his elbows on his desk and folded his fat fingers out in front of him. "I know you may not fancy my class, but that no excuse to do your other assignments while you're here." "O-other assignments?" I heard myself utter, sounding confused as all hell. "Isn't that what you're doing on Word? Your homework?" He looked up at me and I slowly, slowly began to see that I was safe….. my work, my secrets were safe, still unseen by mortal eyes. At that moment, I didn't care if it was a lie or if I was in trouble- I would take it! Then maybe he would punish me and drop the matter. I nodded faster than I should have. _

"_Y-you're right, sir. I have been using Word for my own stuff. I'm sorry; it won't happen again!" "I don't mind if you use Word after you're done your assignments for my class, which you've neglected until now," he sent me a glare at the end of his sentence. I tried to look as guilty as possibly, forcing myself to frown and clasp my hands like a child. "I am sorry, sir. I…. I can catch up!" "Make sure you do," he nodded firmly, like he had successfully chastised me. To make feel him so, I lowered my eyes to the floor in a pensive fashion. Just keep it together until you're out of the classroom, I told myself. Then you can scream for joy. "And I won't have you printing anything more here either, is that understood?" "Print? But I didn't…" I blinked, unsure what he was talking about. "No more," he cut me off by raising his hand; I guess he was finished with me. "You're free to go, Miss Steele." "Thank you, sir," nodding, I quickly grabbed my stuff and ran faster than I ever had to the door. He shook his head gravely as I left. _

_All my friends laughed uncontrollably when I told them at lunch. "You got in trouble with Mr. Simpson!" "That old, crusty geezer of all people!" "Boy, I don't envy you, A." Hans smirked over at me. I sighed, too relieved to feel embarrassed or angry. "It's ok. It could have been a lot worse." "What did he do to you?" Alice asked. "Nothing. He just told me to catch up on the assignments in his class." "That's all?" Rob asked next. "What do you mean "that's all"? That's terrifying! He's one of the scariest teachers on campus. Just being in the room with him alone is scary enough" Gregory glared at him. "You're right though, Ana. It could have been worse," Liesel finally spoke. She had been quiet that day for some reason, and she was looking at me intently. _

"_But he said something weird." "Weird?" They raised an eyebrow at me. "He told me not to print anymore, but I never printed anything in the computer lab." My friends laughed again. "Oh yeah, you gotta stop printing those "homework assignments" you keep doing in class," Gregory nudged my ribcage. "I'm serious! I didn't print anything! I do all my printing in the library or at home." "Don't worry about it. It's probably just a malfunction. You know how those machines are always breaking," Rob waved his hand around. "Yeah. I once told the printer in Science B to print one page. It spit out like fifty," Hans added. "See? I'm sure it's nothing; just a stupid error. Happens to every printer on campus," he grinned at me, patting my back for emphasis. _

_Just like the first time something computer-related happened, I utterly forgot about it within hours. I didn't think of that meeting with Mr. Simpson or the printing nonsense again, but it was awkward to see him in class. Then again, it was always awkward to be around him so that didn't really change either. The following Monday was the start of Culture Week. All the students had to attend different guest lectures, which varied depending on the grade. Aside from that, we were allowed to choose from a list of single, afternoon classes; again, differing between grades. My friends and I all made sure to select the same classes when the time came to register some months earlier. Our morning was already the same- a guest lecture from the University of Vancouver coming to talk about diversity. While I would get quite into feminism as an adult, I found it painfully dry as a teenager. We all did; everyone in the auditorium was yawning and looking rather bored. Gregory even fell dozed off a couple of times. _

_After lunch was better. The class we chose for Monday was an exotic cooking class. We all piled in the home economics room, where a poor teacher was trying to issue instructions to over fifty kids. Alice, Hans, Rob, and I got there first, saving a place at our counter for the others. Alice and I were joking about something when Rob tapped her shoulder. He pointed behind us with his forefinger. "Look who it is, Alice. Mr. Gorgeous at twelve o'clock," he said with an evil smirk. Alice was already blushing by the time we checked to see Christian standing outside one of the counters. He was laughing and talking with friends, mostly the popular boys. Alice's cheeks reddened and my sizzled a little. Everyone knew that we both liked Christian, but they teased Alice for it more; probably because she was so awkward about it. _

_Christian, for his part, was completely obvious to us. This wasn't surprising; there was no good reason for him to notice us in the first place. While Alice's head shot back around in shy embarrassment, I stole another glance for a second longer. Then I looked over at her. Poor thing, she was quivering and quite red now. Rob laughed at her, earning a serious glare from me. "What? It's funny how he makes you guys into blithering messes," he noted, still laughing. "That's mean, Rob!" "But it's true." This made me frown. In an attempt to make Alice more relaxed, I pulled out the cookbook and started flipping through the recipes. The teacher told each group at every counter what recipe to make, but who cares. I pushed the book over to her with a smile. "Why don't you pick something you'd like to make?" "I wanna make chocolate covered bananas!" Rob chimed loudly. "I was asking Alice," I placed my hands at my hips. "Hey, Anastasia!" We heard Liesel's voice sudden ring across the room to me. I turned to face her; she was waving as she came over to us. _

_Liesel's feet suddenly froze at the sound of glass shattering. Realizing that it came from behind us, we all spun around to see Christian standing there with a half-broken cup in his hand. The room came to an absolute silent; everyone was staring at him bewildered. But it was Christian who looked the most confused. He wore a dumbfounded expression, not moving as he stood there utterly speechless. A drop of blood rolled off his hand, landing on the floor just barely missing his shoe. Christian didn't seem to notice. What's strange was he was staring wide-eyed straight in my direction. It seemed to be that he was ogling right at me; that was my first thought anyways. It took me a second to tell myself that he wasn't looking at me, even if it appeared that way. I couldn't help but notice Alice's hand gently lift to her chest beside me. Her eyes were bigger than I'd ever seen them. "He's looking at me," she said in a whisper so small that I barely heard her. "He's looking right at me…" _

_I wasn't sure if he was looking at Alice; the angle seemed just shy of her. But I wasn't about to tell her that he was looking at me instead. I didn't believe that myself, even though his eyes were locked onto… Everyone violently flinched at an unexpected shriek. A young, blonde girl raced over to Christian, inspecting his hand terrified. "You're bleeding!" She cried in a shrilled tone. "You're hurt, Christian!" This set the room into overdrive. A man practically yanked the piece of glass out of his hand- slicing his own in the process- while all the girls crowded around him to "nurse" his wound. "Just hold on. I'll clean it for you," Barbie told him. _

_It took Christian a few moments to snap out of his daze. Alice and I watched nervously as the girls treated him. But Christian's eyes only moved after he stared in our, or rather my direction for another second. He blinked, and wearing a frown, his eyes finally turned down to his hand. That was the first and last time I saw Christian look in my direction. I was so young and naïve that I was sure that he hadn't been staring at me. That would have been too good to be true. And what's more, no one else seemed to think that he was looking at me either. Even to everyone in the room, there was no valid reason why he would look our way; it didn't make sense, it didn't make sense to any of us. It sure made Alice happy though. We never talked about it again after that day, but Alice always blushed harder when Christian was around. I never had the heart to tell her that he probably wasn't looking at her…. And I never had the courage to give myself the hope that he was actually looking at me. _

Christian and I were sitting at the opposite ends of a bench in the main college stretch outside. Neither of us spoke for a long time; each lost in our own thoughts, I think. I know I was, but I had good reason to think that he was too. His eyes just wandered into nowhere like he was in a trance. He wasn't looking at me, his face was forward. His elbows were resting on his knees, which were spread wide open. My posture was more introverted, as I sat with my legs tightly pressed together and my balled hands resting on them.

I was surprised when I found myself deciding to speak first this time. With the upmost daring, I peered at him from the corner of my eyes. "All these years…. I had no idea." Christian didn't say anything right away, taking his time to meet my gaze. "You really didn't know?" "How I could have? You never told me and you… You rejected me so harshly. I was sure that you hated me," my gaze lowered slightly. "I'm sorry I didn't outright tell you. I tried to show you my affections in… subtler ways." I chuckled, shaking my head. "I missed those too. I never saw any signs." "You just weren't looking for them," he stated, making me frown. But I chose to end on a happy note. His eyes grew in alarm as I stood up without warning; I meant happy for me.

"I'm glad I know now. It… it doesn't change anything, but I'm flatter all the same." "Doesn't change anything?" Christian got to his feet, also frowning now. We stared at each other for a moment before he saw fit to continue. "You mean the fact that you're the only one I've ever looked at twice doesn't mean anything to you?" He demanded. My eyes widened, as did my scowl. "It does, I'm flattered; I really am. But there's no reason for us to be in each other's lives now. That was ten years ago, and PhD lasts three years at minimum. I think we should end it here before…." "Before what? Before you get attached again?" Ok, now I was getting upset. I straightened my stance, making sure to look him right in the eye.

"I just don't want to get hurt again." "Hey, I didn't choose to fall in love with you either, you know. It would be a hell of a lot easier if I could just forget you too." "Are you suggesting that I hurt you? Cause from I remember, you turned me down." "Of course I turned you down! Did you see some of the people we went to high school with? I wanted to wait until well after graduation, but you had to confess to me first," Christian had the nerve to point at me with an accusing finger. I didn't say anything, so of course he carried on- cause of course he did. "I looked for you for a long time after high school but couldn't find any trace of you. And now that you're here, there's nothing, nothing that could make me let you go now." "Wait. That sounds… familiar…... Where have I heard that before?" My eyes grew puzzled. "You really are clueless," he blinked at me incredulously. I glared at him, clearly annoyed.

"Well, I'm sorry for not noticing that a man who never looked at me or talked to me apparently had a huge crush on me. I must have missed all those signs!" My arms shot up into the air dramatically. "Yes! You did! And now, you're going to keep running from the only man you've ever loved because you're scared!" Christian retorted loudly back to me. "Obviously I'm scared! Why would I want my heart to be broken like that again? I vowed that after you, there would be no other." Christian looked at me, curious now. "So it's true then? I'm really the only one you've ever confessed to?" "Yes; yes, you are."

"I'm the only man you've ever given your heart to….." Christian said, almost smiling as he said it. This definitely caught my attention as I blinked at him with gigantic eyes. But before I could say anything, he met my gaze with such intensity, you could cut the air between us with a knife. "It still belongs to me." "W-what?" I asked, suddenly afraid to hear the answer… But also, kind of excited, to be honest. But just a little bit! What he said next, he said flatly. "Your heart: it's mine, and I'm not giving it back."

I merely gawked at him in disbelief. "What?" "You heard me. You never gave your heart to anyone else, therefore it's still mine." Christian shoved his hands into his pockets. My eyes revealed my confusion. "What are you talking about?" "I'm talking about the girl in high school I fell in love with," and he smiled for the very first time since I'd seen him in ten years. "And she is the best thing that's ever been mine."

Ok, this made me irate. I shot him the most venomous, most hateful stare achieved by human-kind. "My heart isn't yours!" "Yes, it is. You gave it to me, and I never gave it back. I'm keeping it; it belongs to me." I then looked at him despairingly. "You're insane, you know that?" "Tell yourself whatever you need to," he shrugged. "Yeah, well! I don't want my heart back! You can keep it!" Somehow my mind thought this was a good come back. Oh, our subconscious can be an evil thing sometimes- like right now, for instance.

We both blinked, and I slowly comprehended what I had just said. His eyes were as wide as mine when I went into damage control. My hands waved in front of me desperately like I was physically trying to erase the words I just said. "I-I….. I didn't mean it like that! What I meant was….. uh…" My voice was insanely high-pitched; I sounded ten years younger. "Anastasia," I flinched at the sound of my name coming from his lips. It sounded completely different, like nothing I'd ever heard before when he said it. I gazed at him unsure… And he looked back at me with the most assuredness I'd ever seen. "I'm keeping it." This was all he said before he spun around without warning. My face flushed at the sight of him starting to walk away from me.

_She is the best thing that's ever been mine_… His… This echoed again and again in my head as I watched him go; each step seemed to get longer as he got further away from me…. I don't why, my feet must have taken on a life of their own because I unexpectedly spun around to go in the opposite direction. What did he mean by "his"? I thought it would be evident that I'm clearly not "his", since he virtually destroyed the same heart that I gave to him. And hey! If he had my heart, then I technically had his! He just told me that he loved me, therefore he gave his heart to me! He's just as much mine as I am his.

I was unaware that my feet went from walking to running. Mine…. My hands clung tightly to my chest. He's mine… Christian is mine, all mine…. Only mine…. I was running so fast now that I wasn't watching where I was going. It didn't help that there were tears in my eyes by now. This wasn't going to change anything… Christian and I weren't a couple; we barely knew each other. And we would never be a couple; we would never get together. He would go on with his life and I would go on with mine… We would just hold each other's hearts in our hands along the journey.

It was inevitable that I tripped, landing with a resounding thud on the pavement in front of me. While people instantly gathered around to help me, I couldn't hear anything they were saying. The world was deaf, soundless…. Luckily, I wasn't hurt, but I was too numb to assess that at the moment. This only lasted for a few minutes or so, as I was helped up to my feet. "Are you alright?" One woman asked, scanning me up and down nervously. "Y-yeah… I think so…" I brought my hand up to my disoriented head. "Hey!" Another man away from us waved something in the air. "Is this your tea thermos?" It must have fallen out of my backpack's side pocket. I nodded gently. "Yeah…. It's mine," I stretched out my hand to grab it. _It's mine_…...


	4. Soft Melodies

I didn't use the big kitchen except for breakfast; it was too busy otherwise. I kept a jug of milk and bag of white bread with stick of butter down there. Every morning I would go down the relatively empty gigantic kitchen to make myself two slices of toast; one always had just butter, and the other jam and butter. Healthy? No. Perfect with morning tea? Absolutely.

There were two other people already inside when I entered. I didn't mind leaving me stuff down here, but I hadn't bought any tape to label it with. Bad memories from undergrad tainted my trust of fellow students not to pilfer my milk. It didn't look like anyone had yet, but undergrad experiences were never far behind in my mind. The other postgrads didn't pay attention to me when I came in. I put two slices of bread into one of the many toasters and went over to the fridge with my milk and butter in it. Scanning the fridge over, I had to check twice because none of the jugs of milk looked like mine. But there was one with a piece of tape on it; the tape had my name written on it. Wait, what? I picked up the jug to inspect it closer. It was the right percent and at the right liquid level that I remembered… but I never put my name on it.

My first thought was that someone else here was named Anastasia. But my confidence in that theory was diminished when I saw "Anastasia S." scribbled down on black permanent marker. Ok, maybe someone might have the same first name as me- although I've never met anyone with it before- but the same last initial? That's too unlikely. It must be mine- it was identical to mine, but I didn't put my name on it. My eyes lowered a little in realization. Oh.

Later that day, I caught Christian looking at me from across the common room, just as much as he caught me sneaking a peek at him. Me, Spencer, and another guy named Damian were sitting on one side of the room, while Christian, that blonde-haired guy, a dark-haired man, and a woman with long orange hair and glasses on the other. We were working on our lecture notes, or we were supposed to be. Spencer kept interrupting my uh, concentration to show me varying articles on his laptop. "Hey, Annie! Look at this! There's a new issue of Fake Science Monthly!" "Sea Bears and Fairy Tales are Real?" I raised an eyebrow. That's from an old SpongeBob episode; someone must have thought it funny to actually write an article on it. "Can I read that one?" "Yeah, it's really good! Here," he handed me up his laptop.

Just then, the front door burst open. A very irate Lewbert marched inside, heaving as he walked. "Listen up, you eggheads! I got some bad news!" "What's wrong?" The dark-haired man stood up. "Those books you ordered for your seminar on Friday? There're not comin'!" "What?!" We all looked super-nervous now. "But we need those books! We start chapter one this week!" "What did the professor say?" "She said it's not her problem!" "Really?" Spencer crossed his arms, lifting one eyebrow in a suspicious way. Lewbert actually gave the appearance of humility for the very first time as he turned to Spencer. "Well, I might be paraphrasing….. a bit." "We placed the book order over a month ago, even before we physically got here! Why aren't they here yet!?" Christian demanded. "How should I know?!" Lewbert hollered back in his face.

"Where are they now? Did they say?" The girl with glasses asked. "They're at the University of Edinburgh," he replied in a quieter but still angry tone. Spencer's hands clapped together. "Ok, great! All we need is for someone at the university to get them on a train and…" "You think I'm gonna let you waste more money on getting them delivered here faster?" Lewbert dangerously eyed him. Spencer's poor mouth flapped wordlessly opened while he kept on yelling; his favorite pastime. "No! You will just have to wait until they're ready to send them on their own budget!" All of us frowned very, VERY unimpressed. "Do you know how much students in our department pay for tuition?" Christian hissed, not bothering to hide the venom in his throat. "Obviously not enough, otherwise they'd pay me more! Stupid postgrads!" Lewbert left, slamming the door behind him. We rolled our eyes before addressing the new issue as a team.

"So, now what do we do?" The blonde-haired guy rubbed his forehead perplexed. Christian sighed and folded his arms as he leaned against the counter. "As anyone contacted the library to see how many copies they have?" "They only have one and it's already out on loan," the girl answered. "We're PhD candidates! We get top priority! Tell the library to make them bring it back. We'll make like a hundred copies before Friday," Spencer's thumb pressed into his chest. "We can't. A professor has it reserved for the year," her head shook. Everyone groaned again. "Well, I guess that's it then," the blonde-haired guy gave a shrug. "We'll have wait 'til they get here," another added. "But that could take years!" "Uh, the seminar is only for half a year, Agatha," blonde-haired man glared at Spencer. "That's even less time!" His arms flew up in the air. "Oh, calm down. They'll likely get here sometime next week. We'll just have to make do without," Christian huffed.

"Unless…" I spoke for the first time. Everyone paused to glance at me while I stood there, rubbing my chin with my finger. "What if one of us went to the university to get them?" "The university? In Edinburgh?" Blonde-haired guy asked me in a not-so-nice voice. "Yeah." "That's a three-hour train ride. That's six hours of traveling in one day. Isn't that a lot to ask, especially of a PhD student?" The girl glowered. "Look, if we want the books faster, then we have to do something about it. Lewbert isn't going to help us and we're running out of time. We can't afford to fall behind on any of our lectures." "And who would you nominate to go to Edinburgh?" Christian frowned at me, crossing his arms. "I'll go," I replied without hesitation.

No one said anything for a brief moment, until Christian broke the silence with a resounding "no". "Huh? What do you mean "no"?" I blinked at him incredulously. "It's three hours there and three hours back; that's way too much time to ask of any of us. It's not fair to you to go for everyone." "I don't care about that! We need the books and I'm willing to get them. Besides! I love Edinburgh; I haven't been there in a long time. I'll leave now!" "But what about your meeting with your supervisor this afternoon?" Spencer asked me, a little nervous himself now. "It's fine; I'll just email and let him know what's happening. I'll be back by ten tonight."

"Just stop," Christian make us turn back to him, including me. He did not look pleased with the situation and was intent on telling me so. "Just forget about them; they'll get here when they get here." "Why are you so against this? I'm willing to go. There's no reason why I shouldn't." "Anastasia!" The severity in Christian's voice made me flinch; even the others looked surprised. Once again, he continued his tirade of scolding. "You don't need to do that for us; it would be taking too big advantage of you. None of us are asking you to go; it's unnecessary." "Isn't that for me to decide? I'm a grown woman, I can go if I want to. Besides, I need those books too." "Are you sure about this, Annie?" Spencer asked as he gently placed his hand on my shoulder. I nodded. "Yes, I am."

Everyone looked at each other like none of them were sure what to say. Then the dark-haired guy chuckled; I could detect a hint of malice in his expression. "Well, look at the hero. That's very generous of you, sweetheart. But Grey is right; don't expect any of us thank you for your, heh, altruistic efforts when no one's asking for it," his eyes shot me a glare. "Hey, back off!" Spencer hastily got between us with his arms outreached. "Spencer!" I gasped surprised, but he didn't take his angry stare off him. "She wasn't expecting you to say "thank you"; you don't have speak to her at all." "The silence might be nice," the blonde-haired guy smirked, sending dark-haired man one of those looks as he spoke. "What'd you just say?!" All the while, Christian just kept observing me, thinking to himself.

"Fine, go." "Huh?" "In worst case scenario, I'll accept full responsibility," Christian told me. "Y-you don't have to do that! This has nothing to do with you. You have no stakes in this," I gasped again. He didn't respond right away, instead choosing to fold his arms and continue to stare at me with that traditional frown. I swore that he wore so much, it would become his default expression if he wasn't careful. A tingle ran up my spine at the sudden shaking of his head. "Hurry up and go!" "A-alright! I'll see you all tomorrow!" They all watched me grab my backpack and run to the front door.

I was on my way, about to by past Christian, when a sudden hand caught me. It was so unexpected that my feet stepped another step forward before I came to a halt. Looking over dumbfounded, I saw Christian staring at me with equally wide eyes. It was like his hand had acted on its own accord; at least that's what his face was telling me. It was also the first time we'd touched…. ever. Our first contact was him grabbed hold of my forearm, and boy, did he hold it. We stared at one another, both confused at what was happening. I forced myself to grin when it was obvious that he wasn't letting go anytime soon. "W-what is it?"

Like this broke the spell he was under, Christian blinked down at me, immediately softening his gaze. The place where he's holding me…. My eyes followed suit as they lowered onto his. It hurts…. "What's wrong?" It burns. He didn't say anything, much to my surprise, instead reluctantly retracting his hand. It looked like he fought every bone in his body to let me go, and I was horrified that I wasn't in a hurry for him to release me either. He just continued to stare at me with that soft, affectionate regard. Realizing what just happened and where we were, I suddenly rushed out of the department while trying to hide my the scarlet red in my cheeks. The door slammed shut behind me, giving them an opportunity to see me disappear into the lobby. Lewbert's evil voice suddenly bellowed from behind the wood.

Reading in motion isn't easy for me, so I didn't. I put on my music and stared out the window for the whole three hours. I knew Edinburgh pretty well; I did my masters at the University of Edinburgh. This meant that I could find the university from the rail station, and the department once at the university. Oh, how I loved Edinburgh. Crowded, noisy, and full of historical architecture; just like in the movies. I pushed my ticket through the slot and left the platform. The university wasn't far, about a ten-minute walk. Everything was in the centre of downtown, including the main campus. On the opposite side of the street was a gigantic strip mall. Either way, I would get there sooner than later, so I decided to take my time. I had just been sitting on a train for hours, which grinded on the legs.

I found something to eat in on Princes Street and ate it in the park, with the opposite view of the castle, of course. My favorite was an UK classic- chips with curry sauce. Then I went through the park to the University of Edinburgh campus. The only stop I made was at a three-story book shop outside the other end of the street. Ok, I admit….. maybe I spent a little more time in there than I should have but it was three floors of books! Who can get through that fast?! I mean what kind of postgrad can get through that fast?!

It was near closing by the time I reached the university. In a surprising lack of foresight, I bought a book for myself, not considering that I'd have like twenty more to carry all the way back to York with me. The whole incident with Christian grabbing my arm earlier escaped my mind; my full concentration now was on getting all the books. I wanted everyone to at least have a copy, though I wouldn't mind sharing mine if needed. A receptionist was cleaning her work station when I arrived. She looked at me, though didn't stop shuffling the papers in her hands. "May I help you?" "Yes. I'm from the University of York. We ordered some books for my department, but they haven't arrived yet," I showed her my student card as proof. "And you think they're here?" "Yes. Our doorman, uh Lewbert, said that they're waiting to be shipped out from your campus."

"Lewbert?!" Her eyes widened in disgust and I had to find a smile with my hand. "You mean that horrible man is your doorman?! Oh, you poor girl! Yes, I know him. He called earlier about the same order; I guess that verifies that they're for your department." "Yes; they're for a postgrad seminar," I nodded in agreement. "Wait here, I'll be right back. Are you picking up all copies?" She asked, then coming out from behind the desk. "Yes, ma'am." "Ok then, I'll be back in a sec."

She was not back in a second. More like twenty minutes. I guess they must have put the box in a storage room or something. Gee, no wonder we would have to wait a long time for them. With this system, we'd be lucky to have them by the end of New Years. I waited patiently in the lobby, playing on my phone and wandering around the area. When she finally returned, she had a huge cardboard box in her arms. My nerves immediately began to fire- it looked heavy, very heavy. "Here you are," the box made this huge thump when it landed on the counter. She opened the top flaps with a boxer cutter, revealing over twenty, brand new books inside. "That's them?" "That's them! Good, now we don't have to ship them. Thanks for coming here, even if Lewbert won't appreciate it." "It doesn't appreciate anything," I chuckled. I shut the box and somehow managed to get it in my arms. She opened the front door for me. "Have a nice trip back to York." "Thanks!" I stumbled down the hallway towards the main exit.

It was getting dark by the time I left. That stupid box felt to get heavier and heavier as I went down the main street. When I got to the rail station, I was surprised to see how crowded it was. My train was already there when I arrived, allowing me to board immediately. The conductor helped me set my box on a shelf by the door. Then I sat down at my window seat. Although the station was crowded, my train was not; at least for the first two minutes. I sat at an empty, four-person table, only to have two men come sit across from me. They were joking and jostling amongst themselves, though I didn't pay attention. I just leaned into the back of my seat and pulled out my phone. There were no messages on it, which surprised me for some reason. Setting it away, I stared out the window as the train started to move, leaving the station promptly.

Man, was I beat. I was so tired that I felt my eyes keep closing and my mind slipping in and out of consciousness. Lights began to blur outside, our surroundings came together into one long, endless black with streaming sparkles to me. I have no idea why but at that moment, my upper arm began to throb; it felt tense with this burning sensation. But it didn't hurt; it felt kind of nice, tingly…. That was the last thing I remembered before shutting my eyes a final time. My arm felt good and have no idea why… I have no idea.

_Alice and I were walking down one of the west wing's minor halls. She had history for the next hour while I had a free period, but I wasn't thrilled about it. "Who hates free period? It's time you don't have to spend in class. Who doesn't want that?" She asked. "It's not that I don't like free period. It's just…" I glanced downwards before going on. "I don't have anywhere to listen to music and write." "What about the library? Or outside somewhere?" I shook my head. "No, it has to be somewhere private; somewhere that's abandoned." _

_Alice thought for a minute. "Well, I heard that there's a hallway in the music wing that no one uses. All the classrooms are used for storage now or something?" She finally ventured to speak, flashing me a kind smile. "Really?!" I perked up. "Yeah, although I've never been there myself. I only heard from a teacher a couple of months ago." She slowed down to check around us before she leaned closer to whisper into my ear. "And I heard that it's haunted." "Haunted? I don't believe in ghosts," I blinked at her. Her elbow nudged me in the ribcage; we had reached her classroom by then. "You never know," she playfully winked. _

_After I dropped Alice off at her class, I waited until the halls were barren before wandering over to music wing. I tried to look as casual as possible, since I wasn't sure if I was allowed in there or not. Alice never did go into the music wing; that's how I knew she wasn't the one who found me that day in grade eleven. In fact, I never saw anyone up there- minus that invisible stranger who opened the door that one day- in my whole secondary school career. Never, except for the first time I went to the abandon music hall. How's that for irony? _

_The hallway was an interesting design. Windows lined one side while classrooms the other. I can see why they don't use this section of the school anymore; the rooms were really small, just big enough for me to lay down in. But I loved it! It was perfect for an introvert like me- quiet, recluse, and best of all, hidden. I checked the first two rooms; both doors were unlocked. I decided to nuzzle into the second, plopping down onto the floor and pulling out my laptop. It was just the beginning of tenth grade, so I didn't have that much homework yet. This allowed me to work on my personal writing as much as possible; I would transfer and finish off my story on a school computer in next period- computer studies. _

_I sat down on the floor, ready to write. "When you're in love, when you're in love; there is no way on earth to hide it….. When you're in love, pretty in love… You simply your heart display it… With every sigh, with every glance…." I paused my typing at a sudden, unexpected interruption. I could have sworn I heard something…. Listening for another moment, I realized that there was a sound, lots of sounds- music. Piano music was playing in one of the rooms down the hall. I thought I was only one down here. Who could…. Oh no! My eyes grew in horror as I slammed my computer shut. What if Alice is right? What if this hallway is… haunted!? _

_In my somewhat adventure youth, I had enough intelligence to think that ghosts most likely didn't exist. But I wasn't so wise as to not be a skeptic at times such as these. Leaving my backpack inside the doorway, I cautiously left the room to creep down the hall towards the melody. I gotta admit; for ghosts, they played really well! That is, if they were ghosts. I was getting excited at the potential that I might be one of the lucky few to hear the ghostly piano of the abandon music hall! It would be a fun story to tell my friend later. I was surprised to see the second door to the end of the hall was wide open, which explains why I heard it so well. Summing all my enthusiastic courage, I peeked one eye around the corner, in case I saw anyone I could see through and would have to run. What I saw was much more shocking and enchanting than apparitions. _

_My eyes grew larger than they already were; I didn't think that was possible, but it was. Because there he was- him. It was a boy! A boy was in there alone playing the piano, and not just any boy but Christian! Christian…. My lips parted instinctively, and I remembered to breathe. He continued on playing, completely unaware of my presence. Or at least he was until I gasped, instantly covering my mouth. I didn't see Christian stop to glance over his shoulder since I was already pressing my back against the wall, totally out of view. And he didn't see me, instead giving his shoulders a shrug before turning back to his music. He plays…. My dazzled gaze began to soften as I stared out the window. The music added beautiful accompaniment to the view of the oak trees and sky outside. He plays the piano…. I didn't know that; I had no idea. _

_Christian played without interruption, not saying anything ever. He just kept playing the piano beautifully, wonderfully…. Meanwhile, I sat on the floor right outside the room. I also said nothing, just staring out the window in a sort of trance. It was magical; it was one of the most dreamlike moments of my life. I think he played with such passion because he thought he was alone; he certainly didn't know I was out there. But I didn't feel bad about it; I was too engrossed in the charming daze that was right now. It was the oddest thing; everything seemed different around me. The same trees I had seen since the first day of school now looked… different, but in a good way. Colors seemed brighter, the air felt thicker, the sky looked higher than I ever noticed…. The world outside was more magical, more fairylike…. _

_And then, there was Christian himself. Although I wasn't looking at him directly, I felt ironically close to him; like I was seeing a piece of him, a part of his soul that he showed no one. Of course, being a young, starry-eyed girl, I thought this was a sign- a sign that there was something special between us. I was the special one… the one that was in a romance movie; my life was going to be just like a romance movie. This felt like the beginning of both our journeys', one where we would end up together. My lips parted slightly, breathing deeply as I continued to stare at the sky out of the window. I've only seen Christian a couple of times before then, but I realized it now. I understood then and there that may I love him… I think love him, I think he's the one. The one, the only for me. _

_Those childish thoughts came to an abrupt way when the sound, or rather lack of sound caught my attention. It took me a second to gather that Christian had stopped playing piano, which was confirmed when the piano lid suddenly shut. Without thinking, I leapt to my feet; I made a rush to my room where I grabbed my backpack. Before he had time to leave his room, I had already disappeared from the music hall. I didn't stop running until I was practically on the other side of campus. The bell conveniently rang by then and the halls filled with bodies, letting me vanish into the crowds. I was safe, he didn't see me… He didn't see me. I was reluctant to go back to the music hall for some time after that, but I did eventually, after a month or so of avoiding it like the plague. I realized after going there for a while that I didn't have to avoid it, or even worry, because I never saw Christian or heard his piano-playing in that hallway ever again. _

My eyes began to flutter open as I felt the train come to a stop. "This is the final destination: all passengers must depart this train," the intercom announced. Huh, I sat up to rub the sleep out of my eyes; in York already? That didn't take too long. The same conductor assisted me with my box again and wandered off the platform. I checked the time on the round clock hanging above the platform on my out. Ten o'clock? Great! I still have time to deliver the books to the university. Somehow, I managed to get out of the rail station and make my way over to the department building. It was already closed but I got in with my key-card. The dark didn't help anything either.

Luckily for me, Lewbert was nowhere to be seen when I got to the seventh floor. But that did mean that I had to open the door by myself, which was harder than it sounds. I finally got it open and went inside to an empty common room. I didn't care enough to not drop it down on the nearest table I could find. "Ah, made it!" Grinning, I wiped the sweat off my forehead. Two voices from around the bend broke the peaceful quiet a little too soon in my opinion. I looked over to see a light flick on in the hall towards our offices.

"Would you stop worrying about it?! Do you realize how stupid it was for her to go, just like that? And you! Encouraging her, seriously! What did you think was going to happen?" I know that voice, I thought as I stared at the hall. He's the rude dark-haired guy; I think he may be friends with Christian. "I'd advise you not to call her "stupid" in front of me," I knew that was Christian speaking now. "Why do you care? And she is! I mean, what kind of person goes into a different country just to….."

They immediately stopped talking when they turned the corner. Freezing, they blinked at me with big eyes; the dark-haired guy didn't look embarrassed enough in my opinion. But who cares? I was too tired to make a fuss over anything. Christian's expression went from stunned to surprise within thirty seconds. "Darling! You're back," he gasped loudly. They came up to me in a hurry. "Yeah," I said, sounding as exhausted as I looked. "Did you…..?" The dark-haired guy started before I stopped him with a pat on the box. "I got 'em. They're here." I swore he gave me a glare before he opened the box. He and Christian inspected the books while I stood there trying to keep myself conscious at a function level.

"Well, I'll be damned. You did it; you actually managed it," dark-haired guy shook his head dumbfounded. Don't sound so surprised, I frowned at him. "Although, no one asked you to go in the first place," he added under his breath. I was about to say something until I noticed Christian's face; he didn't look mad, or even like he noticed his comment. He just looked at me… He looked at me. Dark-haired guy glance moved from Christian to me. Then he let out a loud sign, rubbing the back of his head. "Well, we have the books now. Distribute them tomorrow, will you, Mr. Prefect?" He directed at Christian, who was still watching me. With one last look at my way, he left us alone in the room, heading out the front door. I waited until he was gone, then I shifted my drowsy gaze over to Christian.

"I didn't think you'd be back so late," he began. My eyes lowered a tad. "Sorry, I stayed longer in Edinburgh than expected. I hope you guys weren't worried about the books getting here for tomorrow." "No one was particularly worried. I was the only one who was slightly nervous," Christian said softly. "That I wouldn't get the books?" I asked. His head shook. "About you." "Me? W-why?" I sounded surprised. He answered with a small shrug. "It was a long way to go, and you went alone. In reality, we're lucky you did that for us. That was good of you, no matter what anyone says." I felt like my heart was going to beat out of my chest as his hand lifted up to caress my cheek. This was the very second time we had ever touched, so I guess I shouldn't have been surprised when the skin he was touching started to burn. "Thank you," he said in an almost whisper. "Thank you, Anastasia…"

"Y-you're welcome!" It took me a second to respond; I was too transfixed on the sensation my cheek was undergoing. I don't think he should touch me, I slowly began to realize….. It aches too much. "Come on," he reached over without forewarning to take my backpack. He proceeded to sling it over his shoulder and go to hold the door open for me. "I'll walk you home." "Christian…." I watched him with a bewildered expression. He just stood there, holding the door and waiting for me to move.

Then one of the strangest phenomena happened in my life. As I continued staring at him like that, I could have sworn I heard music start to play. Wait, music? I blinked twice in rapid succession. Yes, music; piano music to be precise. Music…. I couldn't put my finger on it, but I would have sworn I'd heard that melody from somewhere. As if to be reading my mind, Christian's hand extended out for me. He beckoned me forward without a single word. He spoke with his gestures, with his eyes. Diffidently, I stayed motionless, glancing up and down from his face to his hand. The music was still playing at the back of my mind. There were words that accompanied it soon after.

That tune…. _When you're in love, when you're in love; there is no way on earth to hide it….._ Where have I heard it? My eyes gently stopped onto Christian's, locking onto his stare. Why is this feeling so familiar? Have I really forgotten so much from high school? Have I repressed so much? _ When you're in love, pretty in love… You simply your heart display it…_ Without conscious thought, without awareness, my hand began to lift itself. I know that tune; I recognize the melody. Man, my hand raised closer and closer; I must be going crazy. It's insane to feel this way, to hear music…. My eyes lowered. When I look at him… Our hands met for the very first time. Each of our fingers immediately entwined; tightly, tenderly. _With every sigh, with every glance…._ Or it could be possible that I'm not crazy…. No, I'm not crazy. Christian and I stayed that way for moment, holding hands and staring deeply at each other. It could be… It could just be that I've remembered… I remember what it is like, I thought as the sweet, wonderful, familiar melody continued to play. I remember what it's like to love him. 


	5. Tough Situations

I had to grin when I found that my new milk jug had my name taped on it. I don't know how he knew which one mine was, but he was right for a second time. It was strange too; we were never down in the big kitchen at the same time, considering that I only used it for breakfast. I still had no proof that it was him, but I couldn't think of who else it could be. The only logical explanation was that it was him. Him.

I sat across from my supervisor later that morning while he was busy tearing apart my proposal. He did so in a really nice way, like this was totally normal. I, meanwhile, sat there completely humiliated. This wasn't my first time writing a proposal; I thought I did better than this. I didn't apparently. He handed it back to me, revealing a ton of red and black markings. "You're off to a good start! You need to make some changes and we'll be underway," he encouraged me, ignoring the fact that particularly everything on the pages was crossed out or edited in some way. "Thank you," I said in a low voice scanning my paper over. Dr. Grinds got up to go, nodding to me on his way. "Don't worry, Ana. You'll get there; you have lots of time." "Thank you, sir," I slunk down in my chair. The professor smiled at me before exiting, leaving me there alone with my marked-up proposal. Ugh, my hands ran over my face exasperated; this was going to be a hard couple of years.

"Awe, chin up, Annie," Spencer sat next to me on a couch in the common room. He tossed my proposal down onto the table after he finished with it. "This happens to me all the time. No one gets it exactly right on their first try. That's what proposals are for; to organize our ideas." "I thought they were to sell our ideas," I grinned at him. "They're multi-purposeful," he countered playfully. "Thanks, Spencer. I'm just out of ideas on what to do differently at the moment," I rubbed both my hands over my face again.

I immediately froze in terror at the sight of Christian coming over to us and picking up my proposal. He had it before I could stop him. Scanning it over, he frowned. "You call this a proposal?" He asked in an unimpressed fashion. I mimicked his scowl. "As a matter of fact, I do; albeit, not a good one." "You can say that again," he threw it back down. "Hey, it's my first draft. It'll get better." "Well it better "get better" fast, Anastasia. We're already in our second week. You don't have all September to work on something like a proposal," Axel's arms folded. "Oh, leave her alone. She'll get it done, don't worry. And why do you even care? It's not your project she's working on," Spencer waved his hand around, as if to shoo him away. I didn't say anything, just glancing from my officemate to Christian, curious to hear his response. He looked at us for a minute longer before turning to leave. "Rewrite it quickly," he said and took off. Spencer and I just looked at each other with slightly confused expressions.

"Rewrite it quickly," Spencer repeated in a mocking tone. We went back to our office at the end of the day. He worked on his latest sculpture while I started working on a second version of my proposal. "What a bossy-boots. We're all adults here, he has no right telling you what to do." "He's just worried, that's all," I said, not looking up from my computer screen. "Why would he worry about you? If anyone should be worried, it should be me; I'm your officemate. But you know what? I'm not concerned cause I know you can handle it." "Thanks, Spencer," this made me pause to smile over at him. Sometimes he surprises me with how sweet he can be.

"Well! I'm beat; gonna pack it in for the night. What about you?" With a yawn, he put his sculpting tools away. "I still have two pages to go," I kept typing away. "Your supervisor wants a revision on Friday. Why are you trying to finish it tonight?" "I want to get it done so I have the rest of the week to edit it. That was my mistake the first time." "Alright. Don't stay too late. We have seminar tomorrow morning," Spencer smiled as he set off. "I won't. Have a good night, Spencer." "Night, Annie."

I sighed. Being alone in the office, I worked on my proposal for another half hour or so. I was so occupied that I failed to notice the hallways grow silent and the lights turn off. Guess I successfully achieved a state of flow. My concentration was only diverted at an unexpected voice echoing from my doorway. "You're still working on it?" Instantly spinning my chair, I saw a worried Christian standing there. Odd, I didn't even know he was still in the building. Trying to be casual, I answered his question with another question. "You're still here?" "I just finished emailing my supervisor. I was on my way out when I saw your light still on." That's right! I'm still in the office, I remembered as I glanced up at the clock. I was so focused on my work that I almost forgot where I was. Then it hit me- this was the first time Christian had been in my office. The only ones who ever came in here were Spencer, myself, and our supervisors. This was our first external visitor….. And it had to be Christian.

"It's almost eleven," my former crush stated matter-o-factly. "I-it's ok; you don't have to worry about me. I'll go home soon, I just need to finish up this page," I turned back to my work. This was followed by a pregnant pause. To my surprise, Christian came inside my office. "Here. Why don't you show it to me?" "Uh, because that's a huge invasion of privacy?!" I gasped incredulously. "Come on. I'm not going to judge the quality of your work. I just want to help so you can go home at a reasonable time." he sighed, taking a seat in Spencer's chair. "I didn't ask for your help. I'm perfectly capable of editing my own paper," I shot him a look. "Then you of course see your mistake in the third paragraph?" He announced while I caught him reading off my screen. "Mistake? What mistake?" I gave the paragraph a quick scan. "You've neglected to indicate that those theories are analytically incompatible." "They are?!" Re-reading it again, I realized that he was right! I hastily added a sentence to fix the issue. He began to smile upon a second read. "Much better."

"T-thank you!" My eyes shifted to him in awe. Ok, that wasn't painful like I thought it would be; it was actually really helpful! That's when I started to understand, to remember that Christian was smart; he knew this stuff, like me. And he was my ally in this department. We looked at each other, a silent conversation occurring between us. "Thank you, Christian. You're really smart." "So are you, but then…. You've always been good at writing." "Huh?" I didn't get what he meant by that. He's never read anything I've wrote before, has he? Instead of explaining himself, Christian's gaze just softened onto me as I turned back to my work. I was on the last paragraph when he spoke again; his voice much more tender and soulful this time.

"I would say that I'd forgotten how beautiful you are, but that'd be a lie." This made me stop writing. I beheld over at him with huge, puzzled eyes. His gaze immediately met mine, locking firmly onto me. He was saying something with his eyes, though I couldn't understand what it was. But it was there…. It was there. "Y-you remembered what I looked like?" I asked meekly. "It's hard to forget the girl you stared at every day in high school." "I….. I don't remember that!" "I know. We've already established that you're hopelessly clueless," he chuckled gently. And I also giggled.

Christian smiled- he really smiled- as he ogled at me, and I kept looking at him. It was like we were reading each other's minds as we began to lean in closer to one another. Christian's arms lifted up and within seconds, I found myself wrapping warmly, protectively in them. A hug from him was unlike anything I had ever experienced before. The grip of his arms was so profound; it felt like he was holding his dearest treasure, his most precious possession. Without thought, without consciousness, my arms raised to meet his. I was unaware when words started to utter from my lips. "This is nice," I heard myself say before I knew I was speaking. "This is heaven," Christian responded, softening is grip; if that were possible. It might sound weird, but it seemed like his arms were perfectly sculpted to hold me- just me, only me. My, it was glorious!

Our brief but wonderful first embrace ended too quickly when a pair of loud shoes interrupted us. We turned to the door to see dark-haired guy standing there. He stared at us wide-eyed, a stunned look on his face. We both instantly retracted our arms, though Christian seemed more annoyed than my shy reaction. "What are you doing here, Lucas?" Oh, so I suppose his name was Lucas; good to know. "That's what I'd like to know," Lucas imitated Christian's grimace, crossing his arms. "What are you doing in here, Grey? Do you know what time it is?" He interrogated him like I wasn't even here. "I do, as a matter of fact. I'm going to escort Anastasia home" Christian stood up, not taking his glare off Lucas. "And why you would do that? She's a grown woman, I'm sure she can find her own way home." "We live in the same building, and I don't recall asking for your permission." The tension in the room was so sharp, I worried that I might get cut if I wasn't careful. Deciding that any input would only heighten the drama, I chose to stay out of it, trying to seem as inconspicuous as humanly possible.

"You don't need my permission for anything." "Good," Christian narrowed his eyes warningly. "Then if you excuse me, we'll be leaving now. Come on, Anastasia; get your stuff," he proceeded to direct at me. I could see the poison, the hatred in Lucas's glare which was now locked onto me. Uh oh, a drop of sweat rolled down the back of my neck; this could be trouble. "I'll meet you in the common room. I just have to run back to my office for my coat." "Uh, sure," I mumbled. Lucas didn't move as I gathered up my backpack and made my way to the door, eager to get out of there and away from him as fast as possible. Imagine my horror when he grabbed my forearm out of the blue on my way past him. His grip was nothing like Christian's from the other day; it was cold, painful, and mean. It was threatening more than anything, and I think…. I really think he wanted to hurt me in that moment.

"Listen, cause I'm going to say this once," Lucas hissed in a whisper, adding as much venom to his tone as possible. My mouth shot open to retort, but nothing came out, giving him the opportunity to verbally attack me. "How don't care how pretty you are. If you ever touch him like that again, I'll fuck you sideways. He's mine, you understand? Christian is mine and only mine. Got that?" His fingers tightened around my arm. "I….. I….. I'm not… We're not… It's not like that!" "You can try and lie all you want, but I see the way you two look at each other." "You're wrong! I'm going to date anyone, ever!" I managed to squeak out. "Good," he finally retracted his hand off me. I could feel the muscle pulsing where he held me; I think there'd be a bruise on my arm in the morning. "Then stay away from him. I would, for your sake." I watched Lucas disappear down the hall without so much as one last glare. He must have thought that was enough to intimidate me. I stood completely still for a second, clutching my hands and breathing heavily. I didn't know what to do… This was the first time anything like this had ever happened to me and… I didn't know what to do about it!

"Christian and Lucas? I didn't know he still had a thing for him!" Spencer gasped. We went for tea in another campus building after our morning seminar. I ended up not telling Christian about what Lucas said last night, but I needed to confide in someone. Spencer immediately noticed that I was acting off today, so he took me out for tea; so to give us some privacy to chat. I told him all about the previous night- even Christian's and my hug. I felt he was safe enough to trust with that intimate information. "He pursued Christian for a couple of years in undergrad," he told me. My eyes grew but I didn't say anything; I had to remind myself that women were not the only ones attracted to Christian. He got his fair share of confessions from boys back in high school too, although those from females outnumbered them by a wide margin. "I don't know much about it, I only transferred into their university in my third year. But apparently Lucas was really taken by Christian; him, not so much." "I see….." My gaze lowered thoughtfully. That makes sense; he's not gay and he still had feelings for me…. Man, even now, that's still weird for me to think about; it almost doesn't seem real.

"Lucas probably still has a major thing for Christian. He must see you as a threat, though I can't see why. You've sworn off relationships; Christian knows that, doesn't he?" I nodded. "I think I made that evidently clear." Even if I still may love him, it doesn't mean we have a future together. Last night was most likely a once-in-a-blue-moon chance. I doubt we'll ever hold each other like that again… That thought didn't make me happy for some reason. "If he ever talks to you like that again, please tell me. We'll see who's fucking who sideways," Spencer said. He made sure to look me straight in the eye as he said it. "Thank you," I smiled at him gratefully; it felt good to have a friend like him.

Seeing me content, my officemate reached over to hold my hand in his. This made me flinch but not in a bad way; more out of surprise than anything. "I'd never let anything happen to you, Annie. If anyone in the department wants to get to you, they'll have to get through me first." "You don't have to do that." "It's no bother! Besides, it'd give me a good excuse to knock Lucas down a couple of pegs," he smirked. I shook my head, releasing his hand. "Why are you guys so aggressive? Can't we use our words instead?" "Lucas did last night, and- in my opinion- he said the wrong thing to the wrong person." Spencer… I looked at him in a sort of awe. He was really protective over me and it made me kind of happy. I definitely felt safer with him. His face morphed to one of confusion when I smiled over at him.

"Are you busy this afternoon?" "Nope! I'm free for the rest of the day. Let's do something! If you're free, that is," he said. "I'm free. How bout we go to the castle?" "Perfect! I love the castle! Let's go there!" Spencer grabbed his bag and I picked up mine. We ran out of the shop, down towards downtown. To make sure we didn't get lost in the crowds, Spencer grabbed my hand. I didn't mind since it was like holding hands with one of my siblings, and besides…. it felt nothing like _his _hand.

The castle was a lot of fun. In case you've never been inside a historical castle like this, here's the basic rundown. First, there is no furniture. Everything that wasn't stone had either been rotted away by the elements or moved long ago. The rooms varied in size, ranging from small like the bedrooms, to large like the dining room and kitchens. Each place had its own fireplace, also ranging from small to wall-in size. We went on a guided tour which was useful, as we would never have been able to figure out which room was which by ourselves. Fun fact- back then, the king had a balcony inside his personal family's chapel installed so he could watch his family members during mass, so to judge their piety for himself. What a guy.

Speaking of guys, Spencer was better than great company. Everything was bright and new with him. I felt like I was with a child who was seeing everything for the first time, which he was. We roleplayed a lot. One time, he was the grand chef and I was the scullery maid in the main kitchen. The next, he was king and I queen in the dining hall. He was a knight and I a kidnapped royal being forced into an arranged marriage. I was a traitor and he an executioner. And so on. By closing time, we had completely forgotten about Lucas yesterday. We felt like children who had just played all afternoon in our own private play castle, even though we weren't the only ones there. There was something special about Spencer. He was easy to be around; he wanted nothing from me except for my company. He was nothing like Christian, but he didn't need to be. They made me feel completely different, and that wasn't a bad thing. I needed people like Spencer in my life, especially considering that I hadn't seen my brother, Edward, in a long time. And we used to be close when I lived at home.

Spencer and I waited until the latest train to go back into the city. We were having too much fun to head back right away. I think neither of us realized the implications of our actions, but at that moment, I doubt we'd even care. We got back to York's station around eleven-thirty. Spencer offered to escort me home, to which I obliged. "Escorts walk with their arms linked on the continent, don't they?" He asked me as we left the station. I nodded with a giggle. "How'd you know that?" "I know a great many things, Miss Steele," he stuck out his arm for me. I linked mine with his and we walked down the street, arm-in-arm. While walking, I let out a soft sigh, leaning into his side. "This is nice. I used to walk with my uncles and brother like this all the time back home. The men in my family were always old fashioned." "Eh. I kinda like the old-fashioned way, ya know?" He shrugged. "I know," I nodded a little tiredly.

When we reached my building, our arms un-linked and I spun to face my lovely escort. We smiled warmly at each other. "I had a good time today, Spencer. You really made me feel better." "I have a fantastic time too. We should do it again," he rubbed the back of his head, widening his grin. "Yes, lets! We'll just have to figure out when works for us." "We can do that tomorrow at the office." I nodded in agreement. "Will you text me when your home?" "You got it!" He gave me a playful wink. "Thanks again, Spencer. I really appreciate it…." My eyes lowered. He flashed me a brilliant smile, shoving his hands into his blue-jean pockets. "Don't forget, Annie; you're pretty fun yourself. I'm the one who lucked out, officemate wise," his own stare softened. "Spencer…." "You're something wonderful."

"Anastasia?" We both turned around rapidly to see a scandalized Christian standing behind me. His eyes were gigantic with shock. "Christian!" I gasped, alarmed; though I don't know why, I hadn't done anything wrong. Still, it felt like being caught in a bad situation. "Oh, hey Christian," Spencer greeted him nonchalantly. "You live here too?" "Yes," Christian replied to him, not moving his stern eyes off me. "Well, alright then! I'll just let you two go to bed…. I mean not to the same bed!" Spencer quickly tacked on like he was afraid he had offended me. He then stepped my way. "I'll see you tomorrow, Annie," I felt Christian practically burn a hole through my chest when Spencer leaned in to press his forehead against mine for a second. While in that position, he said: "I had a great day. Let's do again soon, ok?" Then he left, waving good bye while he went down the street. "I'll text you when I'm home. Night Christian! Night Annie!" "Good night, Spencer!" I called out before returning my gaze back to Christian. Boy, did he not look happy.

"Uh… Good evening, Christian…." He didn't give me time to say more, taking hold of my hand and dragging me into the building. He didn't stop until we were at the elevators. "Which floor?" He asked me, still frowning. "Uh, five?" Christian pressed the button and we waited in silence for the lift to arrive. Only once we were on it did he start to talk, or rather hound me. "Where were you today?" He asked, crossing his arms. He wasn't looking at me, but I could tell there was emotion in his eyes. "Uh, I went to Crongmong Castle with Spencer." "Crongmong….. that's outside the city!" He gasped. "I know, but we made it there and back alright. Besides, if I can go to York by myself, I can go to a little, out-of-the-way village like Crongmonger." I don't know why I felt like I had to explain myself. I didn't! I didn't owe him or anyone any explanations. This was none of his business. Though I couldn't get my heart to stop pounding.

"You sure are carefree when you haven't finished editing your proposal." "My proposal? That's no concern of yours, Christian. How I manage my time is my business and mine alone. I don't need to tell you anything," I declared, making his frown also grow. "Why did you leave the city with him?" He finally asked me. "Because he's my friend? Because I enjoy being around him? Because he makes me happy? That's all the reason I need." We were glaring at each other by the time the elevator came to a stop. He sighed as we got off together. "I don't know how you dealt with this all throughout high school." "Dealt with what?" I asked confused. "Watching others fawn over the one you love," his eyes met mine again as he spoke. My eyes grew. Oh! Now I get it. He's jealous! Well, that's just foolish; I'm not interested in Spencer or anyone. I'm single for life and that isn't about to change.

"Look. You don't have to worry about that. Nothing's going to happen with Spencer or anyone. Like I told you before, I don't do relationships," I let out a sigh, heading towards my dorm room. Judging from the look on Christian's face, this isn't what he wanted to hear. "Anastasia, why do you insist on hurting yourself like that?" "Hurting myself? I'm not hurting myself; I'm keeping myself from getting hurt." "No," Christian had had enough. Taking matters into his own hands, he took hold of my wrist to firmly but gently hold me stationary for a moment. We stood there in the hallway; it took me a minute to turn around and look at him with a startled expression.

"You are hurting yourself. You love me, don't you?" My mouth opened to say something, but nothing came out; I couldn't help that. His eyes narrowed onto me with certainty. "I…." I don't know why but tears started to swell in the corners of my eyes. "I understand why you're afraid of relationships," he leaned in closer to me, not letting go of my arm. "No, there is… there is no relationship, not for me," I said under my quivering lip. "Don't you think that that's hurting you? That the best way to protect yourself from getting hurt again is for us to be closer together than farther apart?" "I don't want to be closer together…." My lip was trembling so badly now, and I was afraid that my heart was going to drop out of my chest. "Come on, Anastasia. How can you not be in pain when you can't even tell the man you love that you love him?"

I froze; my eyes locked harder than they've ever locked on someone before. Oh god….. My vision blurred with tears. Oh my god. Breathing heavily, my hand raised to rest on his strong cheek. "I love you…" I declared in a half-whisper. I was right, I can't hide it. "I love you so much. I just don't want to get my heart broken again," a tear rolled off my cheek. Christian reached up to press his hand into mine, not taking his eyes off me. "I love you too. I always have." And a smile, an organic smile began to spread across both of our faces through the tears.

We were about to hug for a second time when Christian's phone began to ring in his pocket. Growling, he yanked it out; I was afraid for a second that he might hurl it at the wall for interrupting us. But my heart dropped when I saw Lucas's name and photo on the screen. Lucas! "_If you ever touch him like that again, I'll fuck you sideways. Christian is mine and only mine."_ That's when everything came flooding back. My god, Lucas! How could I be so stupid?! I'm just inviting trouble if I try anything with Christian. Even if I did tell him about Lucas, which I planned to eventually, it would be an inconvenience for him right now. We're all in the same department! What would happen if I opened that can of worms now? I told Spencer and he offered me protection. I don't need Christian's too; there's no reason he needs to know right now, is there?

Christian noticed my change in demeanor as I stared at the screen with a terrified expression. Unthinking, I uttered: "Lucas." "Anastasia? Are you ok?" He perked up in concern. "Uh, I'm… I'm tired. I'm going to bed! Good night, Christian!" I spun around, not willing to meet his alarmed stare. "Hey, Anastasia!" He was about to chase after me when his phone rang again. Now angered and suspicious, he answered it: "What?!" Graciously, he let Lucas talk for a minute. Then he said in a serious tone: "Before we get to that, I want to ask you something. Did you say anything weird to Anastasia? Huh, Lucas?"

Still panting, I held my chest tightly. Leaning against the wood of my door, my legs couldn't take it anymore; I collapsed onto the floor, letting my bag land with a loud thud. What am I doing? What am I doing?! My hands grabbed both sides of my head as I shook it violently. I can't believe I told him I loved him….. again! This is idiotic! This is beyond idiotic! I am way too old for this kind of drama; life was supposed to be easier now. I swore off romance to avoid this kind of situation, not get tied into another one. God! What is wrong with me?! Tears started dripping down my cheeks uncontrollably for a second time. No! I can't do this again; not again. I'm too old; that period of my life is over. The goal is to live relatively drama-free. And if that means living apart from the man I love more than anyone, after all this time, I'm more than willing to do it. I'm content with loneliness… The memory of Christian rejecting me flashed through my mind, only making me weep harder. It's not worth it; it's not worth the risk.

_I was in twelfth grade when I attended my first and last house party. The timing seemed perfect. My parents were out of town for the weekend and somebody from our school was having this huge rave. I originally had no interest, but Liesel and Rob wanted a third member of the group to go along. "Come on, A.! It'll be fun!" Liesel prodded me. "Eh, I don't know. I'm not really into the whole party scene," I shrugged. "Oh, come off it. Everyone has to go to at least one house party in high school. It's a rite of passage," Rob's eyes rolled. "Well, I'll have to run it pass Edward. He's in charge while my parents are away." "Oh, he'll say yes! He's a super-partier; he'll be proud of you." "Alright," I sighed. "Great!" Liesel raised her arms up in the air. "And you have to drink! No one goes to a house party and doesn't drink." This intrigued me. I'd never drank before and was curious to give it a try. I didn't know at the time that that would be one of the very few times I consumed alcohol in my life. _

_Edward was not only ok with me going, he readily encouraged me. "Oh, my little sister is expanding her social life. I'm so proud!" He squealed while giving me a big hug that night. He helped me get dressed up in casual clothes, cause I needed help with that I guess. He also offered to drive me to the party and gave me booze money. "I'll pick you up at one!" My brother called out as he dropped me and my friends off in front of house. "Couldn't you make it eleven thirty?" I yelled back. "No!" And then he drove off, leaving the three of us there by ourselves. The house was already packed with kids, so no one really noticed our arrival. From first glance, it was pretty clear that there was no adult supervision. _

"_Let's go!" Liesel took my arm eagerly. She and Rob were more excited than I was. The place was already a huge mess, both inside and out. It stank of beer, furniture was tossed around, and music was blasting so loud that we could barely hear anyone. It seemed like there was over two hundred people, all from our school present. "This is great!" Rob announced, glancing around extatically. We were promptly greeted by the only sober-looking girl thus far. "Hi! Welcome! You guys from Bowford High School?" "Uh huh," we all nodded. "Terrific! I'm the party mom! I need your car keys before you can enter." "We don't have any, her brother drove us," Liesel's thumb stuck out to me. I nodded to confirm what she was saying. "Ok! That'll be twenty dollars for booze money." We each took out a twenty to hand over. She put the cash in a pouch with a bunch of other twenties. Then she gave each our hands a kiddie ink stamp. "That's for the drinks and food. Beer-pong is upstairs, dancing in the living room, weed brownies in the kitchen, pipe and e-cigs in the backyard, and free rooms in the bedrooms. Twenty minutes per couple, per room. Have fun!" She left with a wave. I was repulsed while my friends grew uber excited. Rob did a fist pump in the air. "Alright! This is gonna be awesome! Come on, let's get some beer." _

_Rob got us some drinks in the kitchen while Liesel and I stayed out in the hall overseeing the dance floor. People weren't dancing so much as rubbing up each other in the rhythm to the music. I don't care where we went, so long as it wasn't in there. That was a harassment waiting to happen. Luckily, Liesel didn't seem like she wanted to go inside either. But she did look happy. "Isn't this great?! Our first house party! And we haven't even graduated yet!" She squealed. "It's really loud!" I replied. "It's supposed to be loud! It's a party." "You're right. See anyone?" I started looking around. "Nah, not really. Not anyone I know personally anyways. They're all from other classes." "Yeah, I guess," my gaze curiously wandered over to the stairway. My eyes grew in shock when none other than Christian was standing there. He was with his usual group of friends, whom I did recognize. "What's wrong?" Liesel asked at my sudden change in demeaner. Then she turned her head around to see him. _

"_Are you ok, A.? We can move if you want," Liesel offered, turning back to me worriedly. I watched him for a moment, considering to myself. He was smiling and chatting with his chums, completely unaware of my presence. He had rejected me nearly a year ago and I was mostly over it by then. It still felt weird to be at the same party as him, but I didn't mind enough to leave early. I just shook my head. "No, I'm fine." "You sure?" "Yeah. I'm over him," I grinned at her. She didn't look convinced. "Drinks all around!" Rob returned with two beers and a spiked lemonade for me. "Cheers!" We clinked our glasses before tasting our first alcohol. That was the start of a very long night. _

_I'm embarrassed to admit it now but for the first half of the party, I actually had a really good time. Being new to booze, it didn't take long for its effects to ensue. We were all soon as intoxicated, just like everyone else. The first couple of hours were spent eating, drinking, and playing beer-pong for the first time- we sucked at it. But it was fun! No one kept score, we playfully threw the plastic balls at one another, and just kept drinking and drinking. Ironically, the more we drank, the better we seemed to get at the game; or maybe that was just our warped perception. By ten thirty, I utterly forgot that Christian was even at the same party. _

_We all took a break from beer-pong when we ran out of balls. While the party mom gathered them up, Liesel went to get us more drinking, cause that's what we needed. We were pretty sloshed at the time. "Ya know, this is the most fun I've ever had. Parties are great! We should go to more!" Rob slurred his words together. "Uh huh," I nodded, drunk out of my mind. I'll be the first to admit that I had one too many, and with no previous experience with alcohol, I had no idea the hangover awaiting me after all this. "I'm super happy to be here with you. How many people are here with a hottie like you, baby?" Rob draped his arm over my shoulder. I didn't notice, instead trying to focus my vision on something- anything. And epically failing. _

_That was the start of the second, worse half of the party. For some reason, beer-pong suddenly got super serious and the competitors mean-spirited. Someone thought it was a good idea to start keeping score. To prove how intoxicated I was, I didn't notice who entered the room. "Alright, it's your turn, Anastasia!" A girl named Samantha from English hollered over to me. Rob stood very close to me at the pong table, readying the ball for me. "You'd better not fucking miss this!" A guy named Lyle threatened me. I gave a nervous shake and Rob sent Lyle a monstrous glare. "Shut the fuck up. It's your fault we're losing anyways," he hissed while placing a hand on my back. I didn't notice when his grip started to slide downwards. I have no idea how I scored, but I did and everyone on our team cheered. "Fuck yeah! Drink up, losers!" Liesel threw an empty beer can at the other team. I was barely conscious when Rob pulled me into a congratulatory hug. "You did great! Way to go, honey!" "Who's "honey"?" Liesel asked him in a little-too-loud voice. "Them! The couple making out over there! Hey! Fuck rooms are down the hall!" Lyle hollered._

_I didn't realize that Lyle was talking to Rob and me, partly because I was slipping in and out of awareness. I think this is what is referred to as "black-out drunk". "Oh, shut up, Lyle! Are you blind? They're not making out! They haven't even kissed," another guy, this one called Stef, yelled across the pong table at him. "Yeah, though I would "never" question Rob's masculinity," Lyle smirked which was a dangerous move. "What did you just say?!" This definitely caught Rob's attention, who shot his head over his shoulder to the blonde-haired jerk. Lyle added insult to injury when he folded his arms. "I'm pretty sure you heard me." "Back off," Rob said darkly. I had forgotten that Lyle and Rob had some pre-existing beef at the moment, so none of this made sense to me currently. The mood in the room was terribly tense, with some dark amusement mixed in; I think some people wanted to see them fight. I meanwhile…. _

"_Uh, Rob, I'm…." I was quickly losing consciousness. Lyle insulted Rob again, I didn't hear what he said this time, and Rob spun around. In the process, he released me, and I began to fall backwards. Someone with strong hands caught me right before I blacked out entirely. When I woke up again, I was laying on something soft and staring up at the ceiling. I was so out of it that I couldn't move my body, even my head. It took me a few seconds to come to, then I heard a voice; it sounded familiar, but I couldn't pinpoint it in my delirium. "I don't care how long we've been in here for! This room is taken!" My body gave an involuntarily jolt at the sudden banging at the door. "Come on, dude! You've been in there for forty minutes! It's a twenty-minute max!" "Yeah! We wanna get laid too!" "Too bad! The door stays shut!" Whoever it was sounded like they were sitting right next to me while I laid on the bed. Huh, I thought continuing to stare at the ceiling. So, someone brought me in here, and it felt like all they left on all my clothes. I failed to notice the stench of my own vomit all around me. That's why it's called black out. _

"_What is taking him so damn long?" I heard one of the boys ask another outside the door. "I think he's with someone. Are they… you know?" "Banging? I don't think so; I don't hear anything." The stranger beside me sighed unimpressed. "Well, if you're not fucking, then get out! I called dibs on this room like half-an-hour ago." "Who's in there with him anyways? Is it a guy or a chick?" "Dude! If it's a girl, how big are her boobs?" "I might want a try! Open up, I wanna see!" "Get lost! Even if she was interested, you guys can't do anything. She can't give consent right now, and neither can you," my savior yelled angrily through the door._

_My phone suddenly began to ring in my pocket. I felt a hand reach in to pull it out. "Hello?" He answered it without my permission; not that I was in any position to give it. "You wanna pick her up? Who's this?" A pause. "Her brother? How can I know that for sure? And I'd be careful if I were you; this person is important to me." Another pause. "Alright. How soon can you be here?" Another short pause. "Fine. I'll be waiting with her in the front outside. Hurry." I fell unconscious again about the time he hung up. I would have analyzed the scenario further, but my mind was so foggy, I couldn't think about anything. _

_The next time I woke up, I was being held princess-style in some strong stranger's arms. On top of having my mind utterly whacked, I experienced alcohol-blindness now too. So even though I was in the position to see my savor's face, I wasn't able to actually make it out. He just held me there, unmoving. A sudden gust of cold night wind let me know that we were outside. I gave a little moan and I felt his body shift; I think he was looking at me now. Another voice came over as someone ran towards us. "Ana! Oh my god, Ana!" I didn't recognize it to be Edward. "You her brother?" I heard the guy holding me ask. "Yes! Are you the one who answered her cell?" "Yeah." "Oh, thank you! Thank you so much, uh… What's your name?" "That's not important," he said handing me over to my brother. Edward gathered me up in his arms also in the princess fashion. I was barely aware of what was going on. "Awe, baby sis'; I've been there. We just need to get you home before you throw up," Charming gazed down at me sadly. "Again," the stranger added under his breath before asking Edward: "Will you make sure she's alright?" "Absolutely! I'll take it from here. Thanks for your help again!" Edward carried me to the car. I passed out before we got there, not waking up until the next morning. _

_I have no memory of the second half of that night. I only know about the stranger and Edward picking me up because he told me so. I don't remember but apparently, I vomited a total of five times that night. I learned the extra-hard way about the dark side of too much booze. My hangover was awful; more than awful. I thought I was going to die the next morning. Lucky for me, it was a Saturday so I could, and did, spend the day in bed. Edward was by my side the whole time, getting me water and rubbing my back. When I was well enough, he told me about the previous night. To my surprise, he wasn't mad at me in the slightest; he was actually understanding. "I've been there before," he grinned while rubbing my back. Man, did my head pound; it did for the whole weekend. _

_I got the rest of the story the following Monday. None of us remembered how they got home. According to Rob, the cops showed up at two o'clock in the morning. He and Liesel managed to get away, albeit not together, thanks to the sheer volume of kids present. Their weekend was a rough as mine; Rob had the worst of it, I think. I thanked him for telling my brother to come pick me up. He looked confused but didn't deny it. Looking back, I know it wasn't him now; I still don't know who it was to this day. But they got me out of a bad situation, one which could have been a lot worse if it wasn't for them. _

_I never went to another house party again, and I certainly never drank like that again. Actually, since that night, I've been put off drinking. Been sober over ten years now. Edward never told our parents, so they never found out. I got away with underage partying; we all did. Things were different after that night. Liesel and Rob went the opposite way, getting more into the party scene instead of out of it. They eventually grew out of it by their late twenties. Even Edward's party days came to an end as we got older. I don't know if Christian was ever a partier; I only ever saw him at one party, and he didn't have a reputation at school as being a wild boy. In the end, it was a bad experience I didn't wish to repeat. But I'm also glad it did happen in a way. It proved to me that I'm not the partying-type and also that there some good men in the world; not everyone would take advantage of a blacked-out teenager, which would have been easy enough. There are a few decent fellows out there; I just wished I knew who my savor was. He was one of the good ones. _


	6. Tenderness

_I know that we'll never end up together; that I'm not the one for you. But I can't stop myself from loving you, and I don't think I'll ever be able to; not today, not tomorrow, not ever._

My eyes fluttered open to find myself laying on my floor in front of my door. I was still in the same clothes as yesterday and my backpack was unpacked. I must have fallen asleep when I collapsed last night, I figured as I sat up to rub my eyes. Getting up, I undressed myself on my way into my room. Throwing my clothes onto the middle of my bedroom floor along with my backpack, I climbed into the shower. I didn't notice the temperate of the water right away, instead staring down at the wet ground letting the water fall dench me. My eyes softened onto the white underneath my feet as my thoughts slowly began to drift into the dark crevasses of my mind; deep, murky gorges I hadn't visited in years.

"_I can't believe it's graduation day!" Liesel squealed to herself excitedly. "We're gonna go party-hopping after the reception. You guys in?" She directed at Alice and I, who were still putting on our dark blue gowns. I shook my head and Alice frowned. "No. My family's in town and we're going out for a late-night dinner afterwards. Sorry, Liesel." "Awe! You guys are no fun!" She pouted dramatically. We were about to contradict her when a knock on the door interrupted us. "Everyone descend?" Gregory asked as he slowly opened the door. "Yeah," we all answered, giving the green light for him, Hans, and Rob to come inside. Their eyes grew wide at the sight of us in our grad gowns. "Wow! You guys look great!" "You really think so?" Alice blushed. Hans came over to wrap his arms around her and give her a peck on the lips. They started dating near of the end of the school year; she finally decided that it was time to move on from Christian, even though she still harbored feelings for him. Hans didn't seem to mind. _

"_Well, look at you," Rob came over to me, giving me a cheeky grin. Rob looked different in our last year. He was really tall now, and quite built too. He spotted a permanent five-o'clock shadow on his face. His right ear was pierced. In all accounts, he was pretty handsome; he certainly had his fair share of confessions. "You'll turn heads, A." "Thank you," I smiled at him. I was unaware at what was happening at the time, but everyone else knew. "So, who's taking who to the grad dance?" Gregory, also rather handsome in his later years, rested an elbow on Liesel's shoulder, earning an irritated glare. "We're together," Hans answered for both Alice and himself; Alice just looked down. "Martin Spitz has asked me," Liesel swatted Gregory's arm off her. "Martin Spitz!? You mean that dweeb from history? You can't go with him! He hands his homework in two days before it's due!" He proclaimed in a shocked tone. "It's called being a good student. And besides! He asked me first," she shot him a look; I think there was some tension there. "If you wanted to ask me, then you should have puckered up the courage sooner, and not as a last resort!" "Alright, alright; you caught me," his hands rose into the air as a mischievous grin passed his lips. _

"_What about you, A.?" I blinked when Gregory's attention was suddenly at me. "Huh?" "Who's your beau?" He teased, not skimping on the playfulness in his voice. I didn't notice Rob looking at me with a hint of worry. "No one. You know I don't do dates; I thought that'd be perfectly clear by now," I answered truthfully. "Awe! But I'm sure you've been asked! What about Minato? I heard he's still head over heels for you." "Hey, yeah. Didn't he get you a rose last Valentine's Day?" Hans added, not helping the situation. "Ha, as if Ana would go with a loser like him," Rob stated. I looked at him surprised. He's never insulted Minato before; I didn't think they had any beef between them. Rob grinned at me when he noticed me watching him, and he put his arm around me. "Don't worry about Minato. It's not your fault you don't return his feelings. He should take a hint and just stay away. I mean, how pathetic can you get?" "Yeah. How?" Liesel eyed Alice, who was seeming rather uncomfortable now. Alice didn't say anything, just gazing back down to the floor. _

_The others didn't seem to notice nor care about this exchange, although I saw it. I was about to reach over to take Alice's hand until Gregory addressed me again. "So you're really not going to the dance with anyone?" "No? Why should I? Besides, I can't dance; not really. There's no point." "Well, I guess that's fair," he sighed, tilting his head back so to glance up at the ceiling. "It is just a formal, after all. The real party is after, starting at Humphrey's place and moving east. Then the fun really begins." While they started talking about that, Rob moved my shoulder in such a way that I had to look at him. "Ana, come outside with me." _

_We stood in a hallway, very far away from the others. He stared out the window while I stood on the opposite side of the hall, watching him with a sort of odd confusion. It wasn't like him to drag me out by ourselves like this. "So, how come all this privacy?" I finally broke the silence when it was clear that he wouldn't. "We don't have much time, so I'm not going to beat around the bush," he rubbed the back of his neck. It took him a few more seconds to look me straight in the eye. "I want you to go to the dance with me." "R-Rob! Where is this coming from?" My face flushed. "I don't have a date and I don't want you to go alone. There'll be far too many single guys who'll jump on the opportunity to…." He caught himself before he finished his sentence. I stared at him with large eyes. "B-but… hasn't anyone else already asked you to the dance?" "Yeah…." He glanced down like he was embarrassed. Or shy. _

_After a moment of quiet, Rob found the courage to look up at me again. "Look, I know how you feel about dating but… I don't want you to go with anyone else. So just go with me, ok?" "But….. but if you understand how I feel about relationships, then why…?" "Because I don't want to go with anyone else either." "Rob!" I gasped, flabbergasted. "I'm not saying anything has to come of it. I just want this one night with you; just this one dance. It's not even a date or anything, it's just us going together," he rubbed the back of his neck for a second time. "Rob, I…" "Just one dance; that's all I'm asking for." "Why, though? Why me?" I brought my hand up to my chest. "B-because… Just because! Ok?!" "Uh, ok….. Ok, we can go together. Just as friends, alright?" "If that's all you're offering, I'll take it." _

"_Are you seriously going to the dance with Rob?!" Alice and Liesel later gasped in astonishment. We were in the middle of doing our hair and the girls their makeup. "But Anastasia! I thought you were off men! Even if it is Rob!" "I am! It's just a friend-date." "Uh huh; sure, it is," her eyes rolled unconvinced. "Well, I for one, am not surprised," Hans added. He was fixing his graduation sash. "You're not?" I blinked back at him. "Course. If it was going to be anyone, it was going to be him. We could all see that from a mile away." "Really? How?" "Honestly, you give "dense" a whole new meaning," he rolled his eyes. "I think it's great you're going with Rob. Finally moving on for real now," Liesel gave me a nudge. "I've already moved on! I could care less about "him"," I retorted a little too loudly. "That's good, cause you'll never see him again after graduation," she smirked. We heard Alice give a little hiccup behind us. We turned to see her lower lip quivering, though I don't think she was aware of it. To my surprise, Liesel looked at her quietly, with sympathy. _

_The four of us went to fetch our good shoes from our lockers before the ceremony. The hallway was bare, considering everything started in twenty minutes. While there, Hans pulled out a corsage that he had been keeping in his locker for Alice. She was excited and let him help put it on. Liesel watched quietly from the side while I was busy with my locker. To my utter shock, I found a corsage of my own waiting inside for me when I opened it. I actually gasped out loud, which made Liesel come over to see what the matter was. "Ooooh!" She cried as I took the clear plastic box out. Inside was a white rose with green lace around it. "It's beautiful! Who's it from?" "I don't know; it doesn't say," I scanned the box for a name. "Could it be from Rob?" Hans suggested. "Probably not. He'd give it to her in person." Liesel shook her head. "Then who could it be from? Gregory, maybe?" "Definitely not! He isn't the type to spend money on flowers." _

_Alice thought quietly to herself for a moment. Then she ventured to say: "maybe it's from Minato." "Minato?" We looked from her back to the corsage. I suddenly felt a little ill. Of course it could be from him; he did get me two red roses, after all. The poor man. He must have been too embarrassed to ask me to the dance, so this was his consolation. "It's beautiful…" I whispered, gazing down at the white rose. "Put it on," Hans urged. "I can't do that!" I gasped, appalled. "Why not?" "Because I don't return his feelings! It wouldn't be right." "Oh, come off it. He wouldn't have bought it if he didn't want you to wear it." "He's right, Ana," Alice added meekly. I turned to see her pink face; I think she sympathized with the plight of the unrequited lover. "You should wear it. It'll be good for him, even if you don't dance with him." _

_Thinking to myself, I gently opened the box to take out the flower. It was really pretty and would become me. Besides, lots of men and women would be wearing flowers tonight; I guess there was no harm to it. If this would give Minato some weird but much-needed closure, then I could do that for him. Nodding, Liesel silently helped me fasten it to my wrist. Rob was horrified when he saw me wearing it when we met up with the others. "Who gave you that?!" He demanded. I was alarmed to see that he had a corsage of his own to give me. "Minato," Alice answered for me. "It's his one last token of affection toward her," Liesel explained. "Take it off! I don't want you wearing someone else's favor!" "Rob! She can't do that! It would break Minato's heart… again!" Alice gasped in my place; I think this horrified her more than me. This made him look at her, more confused than angry now. "Just let her keep it on. She's already going to the dance with you. You'll already won; I'm sure he'll see that," Hans rolled his eyes. Huffing, Rob relented, but only on the condition that I wore his corsage too. His was a pink rose with purple trim. Luckily, I was not the only one wearing more than one corsage, which made both Rob and me feel a little better. _

_The ceremony lasted a couple of hours. We walked the stage, got our degrees, shook hands with people, and took photos. After the ceremony was the formal dinner and reception. We all sat at a table together with our parents. It was then that I saw Christian for the first and last time at graduation. He was situated at a table near ours. I only noticed him when I scanned over the room during one of the more boring speeches. I stiffened at the sight of him but quickly regained my composure. He looked rather smart in his gown, but then, he always looked good. He never looked at me, though he had no reason to. I kept my eyes fixed on his for a second until Alice noticed me looking at something. Curious, she glanced over her shoulder, instantly flinching when she saw him. I frowned, turning back to the speaker. This was probably the last time we'd be in the same room together, excluding finals. And I was ok with that. I had to be ok with that. _

_After the speeches, our families bid us goodbye and the dancing begun. It turned out that Rob and I did not dance together, at least on the dance floor. My friends and I mainly stayed at our table, talking and laughing with each other. It wasn't until later that Alice and Hans, and Liesel and Martin, got up to finally slow dance on the floor. Rob left for a moment with Gregory to do something, leaving me alone at the table. This was fine with me. Listening to the soft music, I got up to wander over to the balcony. It was relatively empty, allowing me to lean against the stone rail and watch the stars. I was having a quiet, wonderful moment, completely in my own world. _

_I was so entranced that I failed to notice another presence approach from behind. Rob paused for a minute to watch me before smiling, genuinely smiling to himself. Then and only then did he call out to me, affectionately. "I was wondering where you ran off to." I spun around to see him standing at the other end of the balcony, musing at me. I mirrored his gentle expression. "I just wanted some air." "I can understand that; it's pretty stuffy in there," he came over to stand beside me, leaning his elbows also on the rail. "Yes, it is." _

_A minute of silence followed. Finally, I glanced at him again. "Are you ready?" "Ready for what?" He asked me. "To leave high school." "Yeah, I think so; I feel like it's time. What about you?" "Yeah, I feel that way too. Although I am going to miss you guys like mad." This made Rob look over at me from the corner of his eyes. "High school wouldn't have been the same without you; any of you. These have been some of the best years of my life." "Yes; me too," I nodded in agreement. "Will you miss me?" "Of course I'll miss you! I just said I'll miss everyone; you're most definitely part of everyone," I gasped. "When you say "everyone", do you mean everyone?" His eyebrow raised. My mouth opened to say something, but nothing came out. I just stared at him at a loss for words._

_Rob didn't say or do anything for a while, instead keeping his eyes locked on me. This was interrupted at the soft, kind smile creeping long across his mouth. "Didn't you promise me one dance?" He asked quietly. My eyes began to widen. His hand lifted, open ready to take mine. "Forget all this for two minutes. Come on," he said in an almost whisper; our eyes met in a tender stare. I placed my hand in his and let him guide me out to the middle of the balcony. We got into a dancing position, moving into a slow, gentle sway. We stepped in a circular motion, proving that those dance classes in physical education were not a complete waste of time. _

_Neither of us said anything for the longest time, just staring into each other's eyes while we swayed. We may have said nothing out loud, but there was a loud conversation going on. Slowly, after a couple minutes of dancing in silence, we leaned into each other, him resting his chin on my shoulder and my head on his chest. "I don't want to stop," Rob finally whispered out loud. "Why?" I asked, not moving from my position on him. "Because I'm afraid I'll never hold you like this again." It took me a while to respond to this. I eventually answered with: "I'm sorry." "I know… I know you are," his cheek nuzzled into me. _

_By the time the dance was winding down, I took another moment to steal to myself, going out into the campus gardens one last time. I walked along, feeling the familiar leaves and plants as I walked by. This place…. I gazed over the black of the long, soundless garden. So many memories… But I'm out of time to many any new ones. I began to unconsciously remember things; a whole slew of things. Hanging out with Alice out here, being in class with my friends, my hours in the abandoned music hall, rejecting Minato, our first house party, writing my stories…. the first time I saw him. All of that was both staying here and coming with me; it was like a stamp on me and this place. It shaped me, it changed me; I am not leaving the same person I entered. I was forever changed- that much was clear. And I would have to move on with my life. I would have to go make memories somewhere else; somewhere where I'll be… _

_My train of thought was broken by Rob's voice. He came out to find me again, this time calmer than before. "Taking one last look?" He asked. I nodded. To his surprise, it was I who came over to him first this time. He blinked at me, only to find me already looking up at him. I was waiting for him to speak first. "You know, don't you?" He finally sighed. "I'm starting to have an idea." "Then, I guess… You have a right to know before it all ends; this, everything ends." "Go ahead, Rob. I'm listening." "Yes; yes, I know," he smiled in the most loving way possible. Then he drew in a deep breath. _

"_I don't know when it happened really; it was so gradual. I didn't even realize…this whole year, I never knew how in love with you I was. Maybe that's because loving you is easy… so easy," Rob's eyes scrolled down slightly. "I know now why you seem so different from the others; it just sucks that it took me this long to figure it out," a small, sad smile crept across his face. "I guess it doesn't matter now. We're out of time and… and I know how you feel," he let a brief pause slip in. I remained quiet, not feeling it right to say anything yet. I knew Rob was ready when he chuckled a little, shaking his head. "This sucks; this royally sucks. I know that we'll never end up together; that I'm not the one for you. But I can't stop myself from loving you, and I don't think I'll ever be able to; not today, not tomorrow, not ever." "Rob…" I uttered in pure agony. "I had one night, I guess I'll have to be content with that. But I want you to know that that dance, those precious two minutes, will always stay with me." I smiled at him, trying to ignore the steady stream of tears dripping down my cheeks. "Me too." _

I refused to let myself be late to office that morning. With a quick change of clothes and grabbing some biscuits for makeshift breakfast, I ran straight to the department. Lewbert was there to greet, or rather chastise me. "Hey! No running through my lobby!" "Sorry, Lewbert! I uh…" "Hold it! I wanna talk to you," he made me freeze as I reached the front door. By talk, he means yell my ear off. "You the one who went to Edinburgh for the books?" "Uh, yes? That was me." "Well, I got news for ya! I'm not going to process your receipt for your compensation request, and you wanna know why? Because no one asked you to go, you fudge-bag!"

"Compensation request? For what?" I inquired flabbergasted. "Your rail fare. You ain't getting it back! That's out of your pocket! Got that?!" "B-but… But I didn't submit any request for compensation," I blathered, still stunned. "Good! Cause you're not going to be compensated for anything! Not on my watch! Now get out of my lobby!" Lewbert shrilled, tossing one of his mini scones at my head. I didn't need more prodding than that; Lewbert didn't yell when I raced for it this time. I went straight to the common room, considering to myself the whole way. Did I write up a compensation request and just forgot? No, I'm pretty sure I would have remembered that. But then again, with the overly-emotional week that I've had, I wouldn't say it's impossible.

Spencer was already there. He was sitting sprawled out on one of the red couches, busy reading a comic called _The Mob Princess_. He glanced up as I came over, tossing my bag onto the floor and slumping myself onto another couch. "Morning," I groaned, rubbing my hands over my face. "Good morning, Annie! And how are we, this fine day?" He flashed me a brilliant smile. "Confused." "Huh?" "Lewbert just told me that he wouldn't process my compensation request for my rail tickets to Edinburgh. But I didn't make any request." "Really?" He sat up in a curious fashion. "Yeah. I didn't even know I could do that! But it doesn't matter anyway; Lewbert adamantly refuses to reimburse me." "Awe, Annie; don't take it personally. Lewbert…" "Doesn't like any of us," I finished his sentence, adding in a clever smile of my own.

"I don't get why you're mad at me. I didn't do anything wrong," Spencer and I flinched at the sudden sound of two well-known voices come from around the office-hall corner. "You shouldn't have done anything. We discussed this two years ago; you have no right to butt into my life anymore." "I don't "butt" into your life. I have an invested interest." Christian and Lucas turned the corner to enter the common room. Both men looked surprised to see us, or me already sitting there. "Good morning. How are you this morning?" Christian said to no one in particular, although he was looking at me.

"Uh, fine," I said warily. My gaze moved from Christian to Lucas, who wasted no time sending me a vicious expression. Christian didn't notice but Spencer most certainly did. To physically show who's side he was on, my officemate got up and came over to sit beside me on the couch. He and Lucas sent each other a glare. "Well, you two look like you're getting on well," Lucas addressed us for the first time. "We are, thank you. I lucked out officemate-wise," Spencer stated in a cold tone. The room was getting tense very quickly; too fast in my opinion. I saw Christian also starting to stiff up, upset with how things were going. "I was about to say the same," Lucas put his hand on Christian's shoulder, making him turn his head back in alarm.

"Don't you have a lecture to give this morning?" Spencer spat venomously. "Since when do you care about our schedule?" Christian put his hands on his hips. "I don't! Come on, Annie," my officemate got up, followed by me. Christian and I eyed each other while I passed by, letting Spencer lead me back down the hall. He gathered up a reading for a class in the arts department and left me alone in our office. "Don't fret about Lucas. I'm sure he'll leave you alone from now on. And when I'm done, we can make plans for our next adventure!" He said before abandoning me. "Thanks Spencer," I grinned at him. He took off and I turned to my proposal to do this addition's first official edit. I was in the middle of my project half-an-hour later until…

"Did Lewbert give you a cheque covering your rail fare yet?" I paused to look over to see you-know-who standing at my doorway. He seemed a lot calmer now. I, on the other hand, was surprised, though not as shocked as I thought I would be. "Did you submit a compensation form for me?" "You didn't expect to not be reimbursed for that trip, did you? You went for all of us, it's the least this department can do." "Thank you, Christian. But there will be no reimbursement; Lewbert refuses to process the form," I smiled sadly. After watching me for a moment, he stepped in to put his hand on the back of my chair. "I'll take care of it. You'll get your money back; don't worry about it." I gawked at him dumbfounded. "Y-you'd do that for me?!" Instead of answering, he just smiled and brushed a few loose hairs behind my ears. Then his grin began to fade.

"You can tell me things, you know. If you're hurt or scared, you can tell me. I'm on your side." "I know," I sighed, feeling much more at ease than I imagined. "I'm on your side too, Christian. It's just… I don't want any drama. We're too old for that." He hummed, considering my words for a long second. And he finally agreed, lowering his eyes slightly. "You're right. We are too old for this drama; we had more than enough of that in high school. But we're not too old for love. At this point in time, we're better together. We can help and support each other, but more than that, we can make each other happy," he said, sitting down beside me in Spencer's chair, not taking his eyes off mine. His hand grabbed mine and his head shook slightly as his eyes drifted off into nowhere; he was obviously thinking, remembering to himself. "You're the only one I've ever met that I want to spend more time with- not less." "Really?" I blinked at him in awe. "Yes." Just yes, only yes… And that's all he needed to say.

My head tilted softly. "Christian, I love being around you too. You make me feel so, so…." I shook my head; I had to give it a little shake. This was getting out of hand and I had to tell him so. I had to…. "But that's not enough. The way I feel, no matter how much I love you, adore you… it's not enough for us to be together. Call me a cynic, but I know that love doesn't conquer everything. It doesn't matter how much we love each other; I learned a long time ago that at their core, relationships are work and painful. Why would I want that? Life is already hard enough. I'd rather just love you from afar and keep moving forward alone. I can love you without you standing beside me."

Christian didn't say anything right away, just kept staring at me with tender eyes. I was beyond startled when he actually smiled, albeit a very small leer; his fingers tightened around my hand. "I'm not asking that you let me stand beside you forever, but I want to stand beside you for just one night. And if that night goes well, then I wanna stand for another night, and another, and another," he leaned his head in to press his forehead into mine. "Isn't that the same thing as forever?" I giggled, ogling his beautiful, _beautiful_ eyes. "No, it's one night at a time. That's all I'll ask from you for now; I'd never ask you for anything that made you uncomfortable. Are you alright with one night? If not, then I'll try an hour." Smiling, I nodded my head without realization. "I can do one night; just one night." "That's good enough for me."

Ok, so I agreed to go visit a museum with Christian on Friday. Luckily it was something both of us were enthusiastic to do, meaning that he didn't choose a museum just to make me happy. We both enjoyed museums and history… I wasn't sure if that made things easier or not. I told Spencer, who was surprised but happy that Christian and I were on good footing. That made our first monthly postgrad seminar much serener. A Dr. Wordsworth, one of the big-wigs, conducted a large group meeting in the department. She was an older, hippy-type lady with long grey hair. She had the demeaner of a hippy too, wanting to hold class outside. We were more than happy to comply.

After the seminar, we were supposed to have some "free time". It was just like this one class I took in undergrad. The professor reserved some quiet time in every class where we could draw, have a nap, or just go on a walk. There was one rule though- we had to stay in the vicinity. This was just like that. We would could whatever we want, so long as we remained in the yard. Dr. Wordsworth encouraged us to play children's games. Spencer jumped on the idea. "Let's play tag!" "You're a child," glasses girl rolled her eyes, but I stood up. "I'll play with you," I grinned. "Me too!" Damian joined us. "Hell, at least it's something to do," blonde-haired guy shrugged his shoulders. Christian, Lucas, and the others watched while sitting under one of the many large oak trees, lazily lounging around. We got so into the game that we forgot the others still around.

"I'm gonna get you, Ana!" Damian chased me to the staircase near the trees. "Run, Annie! Run!" I ran as fast as I could, which wasn't very fast at all, with Damian on my heels. "Careful! Don't run too fast near the stairs!" Christian yelled over. "Ah, shove off! We're adults! We can as fast as we want!" Spencer hollered back. "That's right!" Blonde-haired guy agreed in a shout. "Get her, Damian!" As if Christian saw into the future, Damian chased me down the staircase. Enviably my foot slipped on a dry leaf. My friends gasped, watching in horror as I began to fall backwards. But before I could land with a loud thud and Spencer reach me, Christian got there first. I opened my winced eyes to see him holding me securely in his arms. No one said or did anything for a minute, just looking at us in confusion. I, meanwhile, was more surprised than anyone, which was itself a surprise. "C-Christian?"

"You idiot! You could've cracked your head open!" Christian shrilled. W-what? "What the hell were you thinking?!" What is going on? "T-thank you," I uttered. "Yeah, thanks, Grey. That could have been bad," Spencer sighed in relief. Christian grew quiet, still holding me and wearing a solemn expression. Without warning, everyone's eyes widened when he suddenly leaned in to rest his chin over my shoulder. It was sort of a half-hug. I didn't notice my fingers start to cling to the back of his shirt; it felt so natural to want to hold him tighter… closer to me. Everyone meanwhile….

"Uh, what are you doing, Grey?" Damian asked in Lucas and Spencer's place. "Oh, would you get off already? You're smothering the poor girl," blonde-haired guys scoffed. This only made him tighten his hold on me. I think it was clear that neither of us were in a hurry to let go. But that wasn't acceptable apparently. "Thanks, Christian," Spencer tried again, coming over beside us. "You were right; no more running by the stairs," his hand stretched out to help us, or rather me up. Christian stiffened, not moving right away. "Um, Grey?" Spencer pushed. "Let her go!" Lucas yelled, making all of us turn to him in alarm. He didn't back down or soften his face; he just glared at us, firm in his stance. Christian frowned but did release me, as I pulled my arms off him. Axel straightened up on his own while Spencer helped me up. The mood was edgy until Dr. Wordsworth called from the top of the staircase: "hey, you guys! Hour's over! You can leave now!" Slowly everyone began to walk in different direction. Spencer tugged me up the stairs, letting me take one last look at Christian before disappearing back into the building. He just stared in the path where I left, while Lucas watched him.

"We gotta play tag more often! I really like her seminar," Spencer announced in our office. We were there together at the end of the day. "So do I," I agreed, getting my stuff ready to go home. "Christian was acting weird today," he hummed to himself, as if I wasn't meant to hear. He finished the thought with a simple shrug. "Ah well, he's already shown himself to be the protective-type. And I'd rather he be protective over you than mean to you. The last thing this department needs is another Lucas." "Yeah," I said quietly, my eyes gazing off to nowhere in a thoughtful way.

Spencer through his bag over shoulder and turned to smile at me. "I'm off! We'll go on an adventure again soon, Annie; I promise." "Ok. Have a good night. See you tomorrow, Spencer." "Ok, see ya tomorrow…. Hey Annie?" He asked before setting off. "Yes?" "You doin' ok?" "Huh? Oh yeah, I'm alright," I added with a smile for emphasis. He must have been satisfied with this since he left right away. I was about to follow his example when I heard the office door open again. "Forget something Spen-…" I froze mid-sentence at the sight of Lucas. He came in, locking the door behind him. Then he spun around to face me, crossing his arms and frowning treacherously. Oh god, a drop of sweat rolled down the back of my neck; this was bad. "I told you that I'd fuck you up if you touched him like that again." Very, very bad.


	7. His Hand Holding Mine

_It was our first day of high school. I already knew some people- Alice and Rob from middle school- but the majority were strangers. Our school was one of the bigger ones in the city. Here's how it went: lots of local elementary and middle schools all pooled into one high school. It was the first actual building me or any of my friends had gone to; our elementary school was held in this old manor. We were more the norm than the exception in this case. Alice was the only one who knew someone else- a boy named Gregory. They lived in the same neighbourhood since childhood. _

_Alice and I had homeroom together. Rob was the room two doors down from us. Our room was a regular classroom, probably used for history or English or something. Alice and I still pretty shy at this point so we sat at the front of the class. We both looked around, unsure what to think. "Do you think we'll fit in here?" Alice asked me in a quiet voice. I nodded, trying to look more assured than I felt. "Oh yeah! W-we'll make lots of friends." "You think so?" "Sure! I mean, we've already got Rob and… well, we'll meet other people. We have all year to." "I guess you're right." She still looked warily though. _

"_H-have you seen anyone you like yet?" I asked, trying to cheer her up with change in subject. Alice had always been excited to enter the dating world and she was convinced that she would find her true love in high school; that's what all the teenage romance movies taught us. This was back when we believed that you could fall in love with a single glance… Well, we may not have been entirely wrong about that. _

_Alice blushed furiously and turned down to her hands; she twiddled her thumbs in embarrassment. "No; not yet," she admitted. "Oh well. I'm sure you'll meet him soon enough," my hand tossed up in the air. "I hope so. Three years isn't a long time." "Ah, we have plenty of time. Besides, it's the first day of school; who falls in love on the first day of school?" "Yeah, you're right," she nodded. _

_We compared our schedules for the next couple of minutes. We had two classes together and we each had one with Rob. You were only required to take one year of physical education, so we all elected to get it done in our first year. Aside from that, we had all the usual classes like math, science, history, art, etc. That just left which clubs we'd like to join undecided. "So which club do you want to join?" Alice asked me. I hummed over the listen. "I don't know…." "They have a Creative Writing Club. You could join that." "I know….. but I like to do my writing alone. I'd much prefer it if they had a secret, hidden room I could escape to." She laughed. "Well, I don't know about that, but it's a good fit for you anyways." "Maybe. What about you? What clubs are you interested in?" "I was thinking either the cooking club or the sewing club. Or even….." Her cheeks blushed slightly. "The poetry club," she said in a half whisper. "I think that's…." _

_I was cut off by a loud shrieking of boys and girls outside. We all looked to the closed door in surprise. "What do you suppose all that's about?" Alice asked. "Beats me," I shrugged my shoulders. The shrills got louder and we quickly realized that it was coming from outside our classroom. A whole whack of students suddenly barged in when the door opened. There were clearly not enough desks or chairs for everyone; they couldn't all be from our homeroom. We wondered for a second until…. A literal gasp fell over the room when he stood there, at the doorway… That was the first time we saw him. Him. _

_I remember that being the first instance of the world turning in slow motion. Everything stilled, sounds became deaf, and colors grew brighter than I'd ever seen before. The world began to drift away slowly, wonderfully… And I felt like I woke up; I woke from a sleep I never knew I was in._ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be, close to you_. I didn't even like that song, but it just came out of nowhere; arose out of my subconscious. But it described him perfectly, but to me, birds did appear all around him. He was that perfect. He was an Apollo, an Adonis, an utter Greek god. Everything about him was….. was… I don't think there are words in the English language to do him justice. But if you imagine him, think of music- a beautiful, charming melody. And I wanted each note to be mine._

_It took me a minute to remember where I was and that we weren't the only ones on the planet. Then I saw that I wasn't the only one who had an awakening the moment he entered the room. Alice looked just as enchanted beside me; her eyes as large as mine. "Who is that?" She asked in a breathless gasp. "I….. I don't know," I answered just as awed. I don't know….. The stranger walked into the classroom, going right by us without so much as a side glance. It was clear that we saw, or goggled him, but he didn't know we existed. He was suddenly at the center of our worlds while we weren't in his. But that didn't matter at the moment. He existed and that was enough for us; that was enough…. _

But that wasn't enough. Of course it wasn't enough. I wanted more; we all wanted more. That's why he got countless confessions each year. It became so normal that there was no shame from being rejected by the other students. People knew I confessed to Christian. Granted, they didn't know how it went exactly, but they knew, and it was fine. I wasn't fine obviously, but it was fine with others that I confessed in the first place. That's because he shot me down; if he actually agreed to dating me, it would have been my death sentence. But I didn't realize that at the time; none of us did. Well, that's not true- one of us did. The only one that mattered.

Why didn't I see then what is so clear to me now? Can I really be that dense? Why? Why did I never see, never think…? Why did I have to make it so hard, when I was trying to make my life easier? And now, here I am; in the exact same position I should have been in ten years ago. I was wrong; I didn't learn anything. I hadn't grown; I had just sheltered- stunted myself emotionally, romantically…. I wish it had been different. I wish…

"_Forget all this for two minutes." _My eyes shot over to see twelfth grade Rob standing there. He was smiling warmly down at me and extending his hand out. I slowly began to see that I had been reliving some of my secondary school memories in this sort of emotional vacuum that was my mind. No, my eyes began to soften onto his. It's not a vacuum in my mind- it's a vacuum in my heart. He's been here too, along with all our friends, Minato, and…..

"Rob," I wiped a tear away from my eye. We were in the middle of this dark void, this stretch of empty black nothingness. There was only me and Rob inside, staring at each other- me with confusion and him with kindness. "So you're in here too," I grinned a tiny bit. "_Of course, I'd never leave you; not really. Me, Alice, Liesel- we're all here. You carried us with you, wherever you went_." "I'd forgotten," my head tilted downwards slightly. "I guess seeing Christian again reminded me of so much I'd neglected to remember, what I pushed away, deep down inside of me…." Rob looked at me with his sincere, beautiful eyes.

"_Dance with me, A. Let me re-live those precious two minutes again_." Smiling, I let Rob help me to my feet. Holding each other in the same position we did at grad, we began to sway just like that night. I brought my head in to rest on his chest. Rob leaned in, gently placing his face in my hair. "_I loved you_," he said tenderly, honestly. "I know," I replied in a whisper. "_And I still love you. The piece of you I carry inside my heart is always at the forefront_." "I know. I'm so sorry I couldn't love you back, Rob. I want you to know that you are dear to me…" "_I know I am_," he smiled slightly.

After swaying for another moment or so, Rob paused to gently pull me away. We gazed into each other's eyes while he kept his hands on my shoulders. "_I love you, A. But I love you so much that I would never stand in the way_." "S-stand in the way of what?" "_You've been hurting yourself_," he smirked in a loving way. "_You shut down your heart, so you would never love again. But that's a mistake. You have a great capacity for love_." "But Rob… I can't….. What if I get hurt again?" "_You'd think I'd ever someone who'd hurt you near you?_" His lips curled into a genuine grin. "_I said long ago that I wasn't the one for you. There is one and only one- he's your one and only_." "How do you know that?" "_Because_," his eyes lowered. "_You never saw, but I saw him looking at you each and every day_."

"Rob….." Another tear dripped down my cheek, falling off my chin. "_Listen to me, Ana_," he leaned his head in closer to mine. "_You need to make some room in here for him. You can't shun the light forever_." "But how do you know that he won't break my heart again?" "_I don't, but that doesn't matter. I'm in here, we all are, and you love us too; we count, you know_." Giggling, I brushed the tears awake again. "I know. And of course you do." No matter how many times I wiped the tears, they kept coming back. "Rob… I'm so… I shouldn't have shut you out like that. You didn't deserve that." "_No, you're right, I didn't. But that doesn't matter now_," his forehead leaned in to press against mine. His eyes smiled into my eyes. "_I've been waiting_." "I see," I cried. "Sorry I made you wait this long." "_It's ok_," he said in the most profound voice I'd ever heard. "_Seems you got lost along the way_." "Yeah… really lost. I had to remember a lot of things before I made it here."

Rob lifted his head back and reached his hand out for mine. I blinked in surprise from him to it. "_Let's go_." "Go?" I straightened up. "Go where?" "_The others are waiting. We want to stay where you can see us this time_." "Rob, wait! I….." My eyes scrolled down slightly. "I don't know if I'm ready. In hindsight, I was so cruel to you; it was unkind of me to forget you like that…" He responded with a simple headshake. "_No, you did you're best_." This made me jerk up to him in astonishment; he was still smiling. "_You forget, I've been watching you all along_." "Rob." "_Come on, A. Let's go_." I hesitated for a moment but eventually my wavering hand reached up to grab onto Rob's. The instant our skin touched, the darkness around us shattered and we were surrounded by nothing but white.

Lucas took a dangerous step towards me as I simultaneously took a step back. "Lucas, I…." I stuttered, clearly afraid. "What part of "stay away from him" did you not understand?" "It's not my fault. Christian is his own person." "You don't think I can't see what's going on?!" He doomed, taking another treacherous step forward. "I'm obviously not as stupid as you think I am; I in PhD!" "Lucas, stop! You're scar-…."

I was immediately cut off when the office door unlocked and opened. "Hey, Annie. You still in here? I forgot my…" He froze at the sight of my cowering on my side of the office and a very aggressive Lucas on the other. He looked as shocked to see Spencer there as I did. "Spencer!" I cried out in delight. "What the…. What the hell is going on in here?" His glare fixed onto Lucas. Instead of answering, he just spun around to cross his arms and frown at Spencer with equal amount of venom. "I don't know what your deal is, jerkface! But you're not welcome in our office! Get out! Come on, Anastasia; I'll take you home!" "Thank you!" I grabbed my bag and rushed out the door, avoiding the daggers Spencer and Lucas were glaring at each other. Christian was walking down the hallway when I zoomed on by. He turned in surprise. "Anastasia?" I didn't stop running to answer his question. "I'm right behind you, Annie!" He blinked to see Spencer race down the hall after me. "Jesus, how'd those two ever get in this university?" Lucas shook his head, standing outside our office door. Christian was about to demand what was going on until Lewbert's enraged voice echoed from the lobby. "Hey, no running! You're all a bunch of idiots!"

"We need to report him," Spencer and I walked to my college building outside. I sighed and shook my head. "To who? Lewbert? He wouldn't do anything." "We need to tell somebody. What if he hurt you?! He can't get away with that; it's harassment!" "He didn't do anything…. this time. If he does it again, we'll tell someone. But I think we should just leave it for now," I sighed. "Why? So he could actually hurt you next time? That's what we're trying to avoid, Anastasia." "I know, Spencer….. It's just… I don't feel it's time yet." He let out an exasperated sigh. "Alright. But you need to tell me if he does anything else! He can't get away with it." "I will. Thank you."

We stopped out front my college. Spencer released my arm and turned to face me. "Will you be alright tonight? We can watch a movie or something if you want." "I should be good. Thanks anyways, Spencer." "Alright!" He pulled me in for a big hug, to which I didn't hesitate to embrace him back. "Call me if you need anything." "I will. Have a good night." "You too!" We waved until the other was out of sight. Then I went up to my room to get changed and make some tea. My head was spinning the entire time. That was horrifying! Spencer managed to calm me down, but the one I really wanted to see was…

I almost dropped my teacup at the knocking at my bedroom door. This was the first time anyone had ever knocked on it ever. My first thought was either the porter or another student on my floor. Imagine my surprise at the now very familiar voice coming from the other side. "Anastasia? Are you inside?" Christian! My eyes grew huge. That's right! He knows where I live because he escorted me home that one night. How could I have forgotten that!? Now what? What will I say to him? How will I explain earlier?... I could just tell him the truth, but what would he say? Ugh, what should I do?!

"J-just a minute!" I set down my cup and ran over to the door, trying to put on my green fuzzy housecoat on my way. I acted distressed but in reality, I was elated that he was here; that, and he actually remembered which room mine was. Opening the door, I found a worried-looking Christian. "H-hi," I said quietly, ignoring the fact that I was in my pajamas. "Hi," he let out a sigh when he saw that I was alright. "Can I come in?" "Sure," I stepped aside, and he entered. Glancing around, he grinned slightly at the sight of my apartment. It was clean and organized, as was its normal; I guess I'm not a messy person, inside and out.

Christian took a seat on my desk chair and I sat on the bed opposite him; it wasn't a big room. Neither of us said anything right away but our silence didn't last as long as usual. Instead, he just gazed up at me with firm yet understanding eyes. "Is there something you want to tell me?" "Huh?" I blinked up at him in surprise. His stare didn't falter. "You can tell me. Whatever it is, I'm automatically on your side." "I know; I'm on your side too," my eyes lowered. Then I took in a deep breath.

"The truth is that… Lucas cornered me in my office." "He did?!" His eyes enlarged. I nodded. "He threatened me." "Threatened you?! Why? What did he say?" Christian gasped totally scandalized. I answered with a single glance, using my body language instead of my words. He understood immediately, rolling his stare down a little. "I see." A traditional silence fell over us before Christian stood up without warning. Wearing a now deadly expression, he marched towards the door. I scrabbled to my feet in a sweat. "W-where are you going?" "I've had enough. I've had enough of being pushed and pulled around by the desires of others." "Wait, Christian! Don't confront Lucas! I don't want to drag you into this," I chased after him. "Why?! Everyone else doesn't seem to have that problem." This made me stop to look at him in shock. He immediately noticed my dumbfounded face and sighed, softening his own expression.

"I didn't mean you….. it's just, others don't realize how their own actions limit mine, or others." "I….. I don't understand." Christian sighed again, giving his head a little shake. "That's understandable; I don't think anyone does. The great irony is that while anyone could, and did, confess to me back in high school, I could never do the same. It's easy to say that I could have told a girl that I loved her, but I had some… colorful characters confess to me. The crazy, jealous type," his frown widened. "What would have happened if I ever publicly liked anyone? There's only so much I can do to protect one person. It just wasn't an option… It's ironic- everyone had the freedom to show their emotions out in the open, everyone except for me; the one everyone wanted to like them back," he finally looked back over to me. "It was a bit romantic in a way," he then chuckled a little. "You were the untouchable one; the one I had to wait for… the one worth waiting for. It broke my heart to turn you down, but I never expected that you'd run… You ran."

"I think I understand. I'm sorry, I never realized… I never thought of things from your preceptive," my gaze softened onto him. "I know, but it's ok. I just don't want you to run again. I think… I think it's time that I finally get what I want. I'm sick of other's emotions getting in the way; it's my turn now." "C-Christian!" I gasped, breathless and captivated. "Don't worry, Anastasia. I won't you ask you for tonight. You already gave me tomorrow night; I want you to be comfortable. That's what important to me now," he smiled. Then he turned to continue towards the door. "I'll take care of everything. Lucas won't ever threaten you again." Christian, I watched him head out. Christian, Christian, _Christian_! What am I doing? Why didn't I see? Why did I choose to run instead? Why did my heart go so black for so long…? What do I want? I want… My eyes locked onto the back of Christian. I want…

My feet took on a life of their own. My arms stretched out as I approached him. Christian gawked in surprise when my arms suddenly wrapped around him from behind. It was the first time I'd willingly hugged a man in years. I clung onto him tightly, burying my head into his back. "A-Anastasia!?" He was breathless. "Don't go," I wasn't asking- I was begging. "I want you to stay. I'm sick of being away from you. Stay, please stay with me," I proceeded to wheeze through the tears. "Anastasia, are you….. are you serious?" He spun around, too stunned to wrap his arms around me. I buried my face more into him. "I'm more serious than I've ever been." "Oh, Anastasia….." He finally embraced me back; he embraced me back tight and tenderly. More tenderly than anyone has ever held me. "Will you stay?" I hiccupped and lifted my head up to look into his eyes. He smiled- he genuinely smiled- and brushed a few stray hairs off my face. "Always."

And he did. He stayed, from then on. Christian and I spent that night, and most nights after together. We went to school the next day, hand-in-hand; we always held hands when we walked anywhere. Needless to say, everyone in the department was surprised but most people were happy for us. Christian slowly befriended Spencer, who encouraged our relationship. By the end of the year, most of us were friends; even Lucas came around. From then on, we never missed a chance to be together- never. No more running, not for me. From that night on, I only ran forward while holding onto Christian's hand.

The End.


	8. Thanks for Reading!

Thanks for reading!

I sincerely hoped you enjoyed the story. I know this one is a bit shorter than usual but I needed a smaller project this time around. I want to thank all my very supportive and encouraging readers. All your comments and favorites really inspire me to keep on writing. I'm so lucky to have readers like you all!

For my next Fifty Shades project, I was considering doing something supernatural. I have gotten many requests for a supernatural story. The only problem is that I am not quite sure what to write. I am leaning towards a 'Christian as a demon or devil' story, or 'Anastasia as vampire' piece. But I am open to hearing your ideas and what kind of supernatural story you would like to read. Please let me know; the more details, the better! That would be a great help to me.

Thanks again for your readership and support. I truly appreciate it.


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